Episode 15 - Scribbles of a Lovesick Idiot

hfff.
i absolutely have no idea what to say.
or maybe i do
and i just don't know how.
or maybe i do
and i'm not sure if i should
i don't know.

if i do
what would change?
maybe there'll be something,
or maybe i'm just afraid.

do i dare ruin friendship?

i don't know.
i just want to dig my head into my hands and cry.
should i say it or no?

why does everything have to be so complicated?
or do i make it that way?

hmm.
maybe i should just say it.
i...

(kayo na lang tumapos)

Intermission - Situations

Situations
Jack Johnson

Situation Number one
Its the one that's just begun
But evidently its too late
Situation Number two
Its the only chance for you
It's controlled by denizens of hate
Situation Number three
It's the one that no one sees
All too often dismissed as fate
Situation Number four
The one that left you wanting more
Tantalized you with its bait

Episode 14 - Two Step

And as quickly as it all began, it came to an abrupt end.

Malapit nang matapos ang sembreak ko.
Malungkot hindi ba?
Nararamdaman ko na rin yung nararamdaman dati ni ning,
na parang seminar lang na in-attend-an ito tapos pagkatapos babalik din sa jasms pero hindi

Nakita ko nga yung mga batchmates ko.
Pero bitin.
Kulang ang isang gabi, ang isang araw, ang isang linggo
Bitin talaga pero wala akong magagawa
Sadyang madaya ang mundo.
Ganyan talaga, ang sabi nila.
Lahat ng magandang bagay ay natatapos
Bakit?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

at least once in their entire lives, everybody wanted to write a mushy love story

Episode 13 - yes, this is nice, isn't it? or is it?

In a matter of days, this semester will be over and i can finally catch up to that elusive and beautiful beast - sleep.
the impending end of the semester also means that i can, at long last, catch up to my reading. my to read list continuously flourishes but sadly i've read nothing from it, say neil gaiman's smokes and mirrors - which i haven't finished yet.
it means that i can see my highschool friends again - something that i've been looking forward to since, well, i don't know.
also, the coming end of the semester also means the opening of the gates of hell. well not literally but you know what i mean.

today is the beginning of hell week. the purge. all shall be cleansed and those found wanting shall perish.

kinakailangan kong magreview sa math! kung hindi ay mag-fa-finals ako at ayaw nating lahat iyon.

ang mga taga-campus crusade, hindi hell week ang tawag sa hell week. grace week. bakit kamo? kasi it's only by the grace of God na nakakalampas ka. and its true. mere strength, knowledge and perseverance is not enough, not with the monsters (paper work, quizzes, exams and professors) prowling about, one needs Grace to make it through.

haay.

i finished a short story. yes, i did. and i will post it here for the sole purpose of posting it here. (its just that i'm so jubilant - naka naman jubilant - that i was able to finish one)

Episode 12 - Cookie Jar

Hi
Antagal na since yung last post ko, at dahil wala naman akong masugid na taga subaybay - or kahit anong taga subaybay for that matter - wala akong problema.
Sa friday ay welcoming night sa SV, kaya hindi ako uuwi ng Manila. Madaling araw na lang ng Saturday.
Tinatamad ako. grabe

Episode 11 - Hmm

Napakaweird ko kagabi, hindi naman full moon.
Galing kasi ako ng play nung gabi, "Dreamgiver" ayos lang yung play, enjoy naman (i won't go into details about it, nakakatamad eh).
Basta ayon, naglakad ako palabas papuntang Grove tapos dun na ako nakasakay ng jeep (still seriously considering going to a dorm next sem), tapos pagbaba ko dun sa amin (kasi may street panglalakarin papunta sa apartment ko, one minute walk) ayon, naghihintay akong tumawid kasi kumakaripas ng takbo yung mga kotse parang natatae yung mga nagmamaneho, habang naghihihintay ako, inatake na naman ako ng adrenaline, bigla akong tumakbo patawid ng kalsada tapos tinakbo ko papunta sa gate sa apartments, tapos bigla biglang lulukso, tapos tawa ako ng tawa, ang sarap, adrenaline rush, umakyat lang ako ng kwarto para magpalit tapos bumaba para tumawag sa bahay (kasi wala pa ring signal sa loob ng bahay ang SUN) tapos habang naghihintay akong mag-ring yung phone, talon ako ng talon, magta-tumbling sana ako kaso di ako marunong. Basta napaka weird nang pinagagagawa ko kagabi. Tapos umakyat na ako upang matulog.

Then came the dream...

Yung ang sobrang weird, hindi ko maalala yung entirety ng panaginip ko pero ang hindi ko makalimutang part eh yung parang nasa isang classroom daw ako, white yung walls, me armchairs pero dadalawa lang daw kaming nandon, ako tapos isang babae na kakilala ko, pero hindi ko maalala kung sino sya, talagang hindi maalala, pero yung pagasal namin parang matagal na kaming magkakilala. Ayon, parang may pinaguusapan kami na kinakailangan pang isulat sa blackboard yung mga sinasabi namin tapos, nagtatawanan kami tapos biglang parang natalisod sya tapos nasalo ko sya. Then comes the really weird part, nagtitigan kami tapos sinubukan ko syang halikan, ayon, dumikit yung labi ko tapos bigla siyang tumayo, tapos ako hiyang hiya ako, sorry ako ng sorry sa kanya. Sabi nya ayos lang daw, pero hiyang hiya parin ako, then i started pounding the ground, tapos nagiiiyak ako, sorry ako ng sorry tapos kinapitan nya yung shoulders ko tapos tinignan nya ako, me sinabi sya na hindi ko na maalala tapos wala na.

Kakaiba no? Maayos naman yung mga nakain ko.

Episode 10 - Waha!

Wahahaha!
Gusto kong tumawa ng tumawa.
Napakasaya ko ngayong araw ngayon, ewan ko kung bakit.
Pakiramdam ko uminom ako ng - teka, ano nga yung bulaklak na iniinom nung greek gods yung nectar na nagiging euphoric sila - basta yun, ganon pakiramdam ko. Ewan ko kung bakit.

Sadyang masaya lang ako, siguro kasi tapos na ang Midterms ko sa Math11. Masaya pala magexam ng gabi (7-9 beybe) kasi pagkatapos, takbo kagad kami sa LB square, tambay ng konti, ampangit nga eh, dala ko pa yung higante kong payong (aka circus tent) kaya lumuwas na ako kagad pauwi kasi pagod na rin ako.
Tama nga, masaya ang LB nights, enjoy sya, kung hindi lang sana malayo ang tinutuluyan kong apartment, magtatatambay ako ng gabi, enjoy eh.

I'm seriously considering moving sa dorm na mas malapit sa campus (sa MaReHa pede, kasi mag maganda doon kumpara sa Men Dorm's at marami akong kaibigan doon, kaso mataas nga lang kasi sa Makiling nga sya waha!

Uuwi na ako mamaya tapos babalik din ako bukas (kung marami lang siguro akong damit - at may tv ako - hindi na siguro ako babalik) kasi fieldtrip na namin sa Corregidor! Orayt!

So there. Ayon na muna

Episode 9

This episode doesn't have a title since i can't think of anything, so i'm just gonna call it episode nine, plain and simple.

i, all of a sudden, feel depressed, not the sort of depressed that's bad, or maybe i don't feel depressed at all, may i'm just nostalgic. i don't know. i was not able to go to loid's birthday and that was a major bummer. i'm still nostalgic and/or depressed, and i still don't know why. maybe i'd better eat, i've eaten though, i just feel like eating.

wala na akong masulat
what's wrong with me?

Episode 8 - Ang Di-makatarungang Barker.

Nitong weekend, naka-cover ako ng siguro more than 150 Km. sa aking kakabyahe.
Eto, i-re-recap ko ang lahat ng aking napuntahan.
Natapos yung klase ko nung Friday, tumakbo kagad ako ng apartment at kinuha ang aking mga gamit.

1st Stop - Malvar, Batangas.
Nakitulog ako sa relatives namin dito kasi kinabukasan may pupuntahan kami para sa DevCom 10 Class namin. Ayon, masaya dito kasi yung isa kong tito, na para ko lang pinsan, kapareho ko ng trip. Nung papunta na dito, sa terminal, jeep ang sasakyan, tapos bale pang dalawang tao na lang ang upuan, nagtatawag yung barker ng 4, pinapausog nga ako kaso ayaw ko nang umusog kasi buntis yung katabi ko.

2nd Stop - Fernando Air Base, Lipa City, Batangas
Dito yung pinuntahan namin para sa Project namin. Nanginterview kami ng 6 households. Nung una kahit may permit na kami, ayaw kaming papasukin, nagkukulitan pa nga kami, sabi namin pagbababarilin kami palabas, or i-sa-salvage kami. Feeling namin mga journalist talaga kami kasi yung tipong magpapakita ng permit, makikipag-reason out. Bawal daw yung camera, pero tinago namin, tapos ginamit yung phone-cam ko, hehe, galing di ba?

3rd Stop - Malvar ulit
Bumalik lang ako dito para kumain at magpahinga tapos luwas na ulit.

4th Stop - Cubao, Quezon City
Umuwi na ako. Ganon. Inabutan ako ng ulan.

5th Stop - Los Banos, Laguna
Syempre, babalik din ako sa pinangalingan kasi may pasok bukas, at may exam pa. Anlakas ng ulan nung papabalik na ako, nung una nga dapat commute lang ako tapos kinulit ko si mama na ihatid na lang ako. Kaya ayon.

Astig, hindi natuloy yung reporting namin ngayon. Maganda yon.

Napagalaman ko na ang dating pangalan ng LB ay Mainit. Hmm (refer to Episode 2)

Episode 7 - First Weekend

Kahit na mag-da-dalawang buwan na ako dito sa Elbi, hindi ko pang nasubukang mag-stay dito for the weekend, kasi 3 oras, 72 Km lang ang layo ng Metro Manila dito, kaya umuuwi ako.
Pero ngayon, dahil tinambakan ako ng isang garbage truck worth ng gawain, hindi ako makakabalik sa Maynila.

Madaming nangyari during the past weeks.
1) Na-lock ako sa labas ng sarili kong apartment. Sanay kasi ako sa bahay na screen lang ang nakaharang, kaso ngayon, di na screen. Ganito kasi ang nangyari, may tinatapos akong assignment sa Hum2 namin tapos mag te-10 na di pa ako nakakatawag sa bahay, kaya nagmadali akong bumaba at tumawag (kasi walang signal ng Sun sa kwarto ko) at sa aking kamamadali, naiwan ko yung susi, e sanay akong nila-lock yung pinto pag palabas ako kaya tada! Nakapasok naman ako after mga 30 minutes, una nagpaka-Magyver ako, sinubukan kong buksan gamit card, kaso malalim, tapos inalis ko yung jalousi tapos inabot ko ng kamay ko yung doorknob, kaso pader lang ang nakapa ko (nagkanda gasgas-gasgas nga yung braso ko eh) tapos tinulungan ako nung kapitbahay ko, inabot nya ng belt yung doorknob tapos parang magic natanggal yung lock.
2) Nasira yung burner ng pc ko, ewan ko kung nasira pero di na nare-recognize nung pc yung burner eh.
3) May pasok kami nung SONA

Haay...tapos, sa Monday, exam ko sa NaSc3, report at deadline ng paper ng Hist1. Sa Tuesday, exam sa Econ10, sa Thursday Long Exam sa Math11.

Magaling hindi ba?

Episode 6 - Melting Pot

Na-depress ako kagabi, ewan ko kung bakit.
Probably the fact na reporting ko kasi kinabukasan (na kakatapos lang, wala akong ma-comment kung nagustuhan ng prof ko o hindi kas madalas wala syang na di-display na emotion)
Or baka rin na dalawang chapter na lang tapos ko na yung Neverwhere (gandang libro, yung tipong ambilis basahin kaso ayaw mo pang matapos kasi ang ganda ng pagkakagawa), (badtrip, kelangan ko na namang nakahanap ng bagong libro, Angels and Demons na lang siguro)

Kwento ko lang, noong isang araw, bloc (hindi ko pa rin alam talaga ang spelling nun, kung may k or wala) meeting kami, tapos pinapanood samin yung childbirth, para takutin kami na wag makipag, uhm, "intimate" relations sa ibang tao. Freaky. Talagang pinakita yung baby, na, "nag-e-emerge" into the world at an, interesting angle.

Nung Monday, wala yung prof ko sa history kaya nasa bahay lang ako, nakahiga, nakatitig sa bubong, tapos sabi sa NU 107, maya-maya daw ay yung interview na nila kay Neil Gaiman, oo nga pala! So ayon, napakinggan ko.

Pero hindi naman ako depressed buong araw kahapon. Noong umaga, masaya ako kasi mahaba-haba ang aking tulog, at maging hanggang klase ko enjoy.
Noong tapos na ang aking klase at ako'y pauwi nang muli sa aking bahay, dumaan akong Bugong (kainan yon, kaso take out lang [josephine, eto yung roast chicken]), tapos noong papasakay na ako ng jeep, napansin ko may tinititigan yung ibang tao yung iba natatawa, yung iba parang concerned, so dahil ako'y isang normal na pilipino at ganap sa aking pagkatao ang pagiging usyoso, hinanap ko kung ano yung tinitignan nila. Sa tapat ng Bugong, bago pumasok ng UPLB gate, may kainan, tapahan, tapos kita mo yung nilulutuan nila na higanteng wok. Noong araw na yon, napansin ko nag kabit sila ng tarpaulin na sign, para mag attract ng mas maraming customer, doon sa bandang harap na ding-ding, sa harap na harap lang ng lutuan. Ang ironic na bagay, na sunog yung tarpaulin, dahil nga naabot pala sya ng apoy galing sa kalan. Lahat ng nakakita, tumigil (kasama ako doon, umupo pa nga ako para lang manood, tapos parang ang sama ko pero natatawa pa ako). Yung mga taga doon sa tapahan, tinitigan lang yung apoy, tapos parang biglang naalala na baka magkanda-leche-leche ang buhay nila, sinubukang buhusan ng tubig, kaso hindi gaano gumana kasi may mantika so ayon. Ang kapal ng usok, maitim-itim.
Maya't-maya pa (as in mamaya pa), may mga tumatakbo nang UPF (Univ. Police Force, Pigoy sa local terminologies) na may dalang fire extinguisher. Natatawa ako sa kinauupuan ko kasi para syang Pinoy Slapstick Comedy. Tapos hinatak nila yung tarpaulin sa lupa, tapos natawa ulit ako kasi parang hindi pa nila mahatak yung pin sa fire extinguisher pero na-tangal din nila tapos ayon, napatay din nila yung apoy. Sumakay na ako ng jeep, nagbayad ng 6(ang mahal na ng pamasahe) tapos nagmuni-muni.

Ayon, tinapos ko yung report ko nung gabi, natulog ng konti. Hindi ako nakapunta sa SV kasi yun nga tinapos ko yung report ko (sobrang redundant ko na). Tapos nag-empake ng gamit. Nag-linis din pala ako ng apartment kahapon, gulat ako sa sarili ko (wow, kahit konti responsable pala ako).

Sa kasalukuyan, nandito ako sa internet shop sa Raymundo Gate. 12 na tapos may klase pa ako ng 1, malayo-layong lakad pa papuntang Math Bldg tapos kakain pa ako pero ayos lang yun tapos luluwas na naman kaming papuntang Cubao.

Intermission - Lie in Our Graves

"Ladies and Gentlemen, there will be a 15 minute break..."

Ganyan yung sa mga Play di ba? wala lang naman. Antagal na since yung last kong post eh di ko pa sya tapos so eto na lang muna.

When I step into the light my arms open wide
When I step into the light my eyes searching wild
Would you not like to be
Sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free
Would you not like to be ok, ok, ok

When we’re walking by the water
Splish splash me and you taking a bath
When we’re walking by the water
Come to my toes to my ankles to my head to my soul
Then I’m blown away
When we’re walking by the water
Splish splash me and you taking a bath
When we’re walking by the water
Come to my toes to my ankles to my head to my soul
Then I’m blown away

I can’t believe that we would lie in graves
Wondering if we had spent our living days well
I can’t believe that we would lie in graves
Wondering what we might of been
I can’t believe that we would lie in graves
Wondering if we had spent our living days well
I can’t believe that we would lie in graves
Wondering what we might of been

Would you not like to be
Would you not like to be
I can’t believe that you would not like to be
Would you not like to be
Ok, ok, ok,Ok, ok, ok,Ok, ok, ok,Ok, ok, ok,

Don’t dance away

Episode 5 – Stand by Me

I’m sure some of you are familiar with the movie (and the song) of the same title. Both talk about friendship, in its true form, the one that lasts. I’ve seen the movie twice I think and heard the song over a dozen times, but I will never tire of it.

I loved the movie. I loved all of them and I found the part about the leeches hilarious. But of all, the thing I loved the most was the fact that the characters of the story stuck together and remained friends, even though they never saw each other again, during the time that they were together, they didn’t let anything get in the way of their friendship.

I’m sitting here in front of the screen typing this as I look at the pictures of my JASMS batch. I miss them all, how I miss them all! I long for the days when we would just sit by the quadrangle and someone would play the guitar and everyone – well mostly everyone – would join in the singing, or the times when we would just talk, and we would talk for hours. I look at the pictures and I remember everything, and I laugh by myself because of them. I remember the days and I feel like crying. I miss those days. I think that if I haven’t gone to JASMS and gone someplace else, it wouldn’t be the same. If I haven’t gone to JASMS I wouldn’t have met all the wonderful people I’ve met and I wouldn’t have learned about things that no sort of education could provide.

Now I’m in college and I’m striving to get high grades so I can get myself a good job. I just started this chapter of my life and I’m just getting to meet new people and making new friends. I remembered a line said in the movie, “I never had friends like them again, who does?” I will never find people who were like my high school batch mates in my life, I may find some people who act like them or talk like them, but they will never be exactly like them.

I love all these people and I will continue to love them. I may never see some of them ever again, but I will cherish them in my heart forever.

Episode 4 – Happy Father’s Day

I slept late that night and woke up to the sound of my brother’s voice shouting at my door. Sabi nila gutom na daw sila at bilisan kong maligo para makakain na daw kami. The original plan was that they would bring my stuff from Manila, spend the day here and go back home later that night (aalis kasi ang aking ama papuntang Malaysia kinabukasan). Napaisip ako, ano mas gusto ko? Tumambay dito at maglaro ng PC tapos wala na or umuwi na lang muna sa Manila tapos makipagsapalaran na lang sa paguwi kinabukasan. Pinili kong umuwi.

Sumabay ako sa kanila pauwing Manila. I felt like a kid, a real small kid as I looked out the window at the things that I haven’t seen in a week. Nakakahiya, isang linggo pa lang ganito na ako.

Pagdating sa bahay na enjoy ko muli ang pagkain sa lamesa ng may kasabay. Ang lasa ng bagong lutong ulam – kasi panay fast food na lang ako since dumating ako dito – ang manood ng TV na may cable – na ikaw yung hahawak ng remote – at ang matulog sa kama sa isang lugar na pamilyar ka. Enjoy sa bahay nung gabing yon. Masarap malasap muli yung artificial na lamig na nagagawa ng aircon.

Nagising kami umaga ng Sunday na yon. Tahimik kami, kasi alam naming magkakahiwa-hiwalay muli kami, hindi lang ako ang aalis kundi pati si Papa, at ang maiiwan lang sa bahay ay ang aking kapatid at ang aming kasama sa bahay (kasi nasa Malaysia ang aking nanay nagaaaral ng Masteral nya). Noong araw na ‘yon ay Father’s Day, ito ang araw kung kelan ang isang pamilya ay lumalabas upang manood ng sine, kumain or basta manood lang ng TV ng makakasama. Pero itong Father’s Day na ito, nagkahiwahiwalay kami.

Sabay kami ni Pa umalis. Ibinaba nya ako sa sakayan ng bus at dumiretso na sya ng Airport. Umakyat ako ng bus, tahimik lang. Solo flight ka ngayon pre. I left Manila at 12:30 and arrived in Los Baños at 3:30. I went upstair and fixed my stuff, and lay on my bed with the thought going through my mind over and over again, “July 2, we’ll all be home on July 2.”

Episode 3 – Don’t Believe the Truth

According to the ever reliable Time Table that they gave Freshies on the first day, my TTh classes don’t start until 9. So I got up at around quarter to eight, confident that I would even arrive there early. When I got to CEM (people here pronounce it as SEM, mahahalata nilang Freshman ka kung C-E-M mo sinasabi at ayaw mong malaman ng mga higher years na Freshman ka) I looked around for my room, CEM 204, it was. I went around the place a couple of times, not really considering asking anyone because of the stories that I’ve heard (Ingat ka sa pagtatanong sa higher years, baka pagtripan ka non!) but when I’ve finally decided that it would help, I asked a person there, a janitor he was, I think. He told me that the room was being renovated and that sections that were supposed to have their lecture there were meeting in the Computer Science building – which was a long walk from CEM. So being the obedient little sucker that I am, I gathered my stuff and began the walk (noticing that my watch said it was already 9:10). I walked around the CS Bldg and found no such class so I decided to head back to CEM and ask again. So I did – I didn’t ask the same person of course – and this man showed me a schedule which showed the sections and after learning where I was supposed to go, I also learned when I was supposed to arrive there. Great! I thought, not only do I lose my way to my first subject, I would also come in an hour late! I entered the classroom and thanked God when I learned that our professor was human, not a demon wearing a mask.

After that, I had another class which exactly followed so I ran over the DevCom building. The lecturer got all of us acquainted and I met someone who was also in my Math 11 class. Ayos! At least di na ako magmumukhang loner sa Math 11. Pagdating sa Math 11, binigyan kami ng Diagnostic Test at dahil mabait akong estudyante, nakalimutan ko na ang mga ito. Sa loob loob ko, tinatawagan ko si Mrs. Tiburcio, parang pinipilit kong makipag usap sa kanya telepathically, “Ma’am,” sabi ko, “paki sagot naman ‘to”

Natapos ang klaseng ito at tinignan ko ang aking mapagkakatiwalaang schedule, sabi dito, ang susunod kong klase ay 4 pa daw. Sinilip ko ang aking relo, nakatutok ang maliit na daliri nito sa 1. Magaling! Napakagaling! Ano naman ang gagawin ko mula 1 hanggang 4! Dahan dahang umusad ang mga kamay ng relo sa alas kwatro, at makalipas ang isang siglo, naglakad na ako papuntang Hum 2.

Pag pasok ko sa aming room, nakakita ako ng cage sa isang sulok, na parang kakasya ang isang unggoy. Inexpect kong sabihin nung prof naming pagpasok nya, “Good afternoon class, ako ang batas dito! Ang sinomang unggoy na hindi sumunod sa lahat ng aking ipinaguutos ay ikukulong sa kulungang ‘yon” Yun ang kinatutuwaan ko nung pagkakataong yun, tapos bawat bukas ng pinto, akala namin dumating na ang batas. Pero makalipas ang 45 min. walang dumating, at dahil nasa kolehiyo na kami, lumayas kami ng room.

The next morning, 10 yung nakalagay sa schedule kong una kong klase. Dinobol check ko, baka mali na naman. Tama. Dumating ako dun sa room na nakalagay sa schedule – Gallery 1 sa New CAS. Natuwa ako ng konti, maganda ang room naming, malinis, may aircon, bago! Dumating ang aming professor, isang taong sa unang tingin ay parang blanko ang mukha, parang nandoon sya pero ang kanyang isip ay nasa ibang lugar, at sinabing hindi raw dito ang aming classroom, kami daw ay lilipat sa old CAS, sa old classroom. Parang sinabi nya na ring, “Okay class, pack your things and take your final glimpse of daylight, we shall be transferring to a dungeon where I am more familiar with the smell of decaying flesh.” Oo, aaminin kong medyo exaggerated ang aking sinabi, kasi maayos din naman yung room sa OLD CAS.

Nagpakilala ang aming professor (For safety purposes, mostly for mine, I will not mention his name here) maya-maya, sinabi nyang hindi raw iyon ang tunay nyang pangalan. Ang tunay nya raw na pagkatao ay masasabi nya lang sa amin sa pamamagitan ng pagsabing ang kanyang ina ay isang birhen at ang kanyang ama ay isang karpintero (sa susunod pa naming klase ay sinabi nyang dati raw ay taga-Galilee sya at nakapaglalakad sa tubig at gumagawa ng iba’t ibang uri ng mirakulo). Sa isip-isip ko, napaka-blasphemous naman ng taong ito. Biglang tinanong nya kami kung blasphemous daw ba ang kanyang sinabi? At dahil kaming lahat ay Freshman – at nagpapakabait pa sa mga professor – wala na lang sumagot. Naisip ko, ano kayang mangyayari sa taong ito? Pero hindi ko na muna tinuloy ang aking paiiisip kasi inannounce nya na may kailangan daw kaming basahin at gawan ng reaction paper for the next meeting. Wonderful!

Natapos ang aking araw at ang aking unang linggo sa Unibersidad at sa Los Baños ng nagiisa. I was longing for tomorrow, when my family would come visit me and would also bring the computer along (para may magawa na ako bukod sa pagkausap sa pader at pagbilang sa napatay kong gamo-gamo).

Episode 2 – Lahat naman ng bagay dito mainit

It has been a week since I started living here in Los Baños and if there is a statement that could possibly sum up that week it would be what Hannah had said, “Lahat naman ng bagay dito mainit.” The days are hot, the water is hot and there is nothing that I can do about it. The nights are not so bad, but it’s not exactly the best either. The people here say that the heat is will go away once the rains start. And it has rained a couple of times since I got here, but they’re only 10 minute rains then the sun comes out again and tortures everyone.

Hindi ako nagrereklamo sa init dahil hindi ako sanay, sanay ako sa init. Mainit sa Manila, mainit sa JASMS, mainit sa jeep at bus. Pero ang init dito sa lugar na ito, kakaiba, yung uri ng init na na-de-drain ang lakas mo, yung tipo ng init na pagkatapos ng araw, ang kaya mo na lang gawin ay gumapang papuntang kama mo.

First day of school nung 15. Nag-orientation kami nung umaga, 8 Am – 1 Pm. At katulad ng lahat ng orientation na napasukan ko sa tana ng aking buhay, mukha pang mabait ang mga professor – pero kilala mo na kung sino yung mga first day lang mabait. At hindi rin nawala ang kinagisnan nang tradisyon ng pagpapakitang gilas ng mga orgs. Bago pa lang kami – Freshie sa salita dito – at hindi pa kami pedeng sumali sa kahit anong grupo.
Pagkatapos ng orientation na ito – na most of the time ay tinulugan ko lang – in-announce na pagkatapos na pagkatapos nito ay regular classes na. Hmm, maganda di ‘ba? Sabay sabay dumukot ng mga schedule ang mga freshie at ang iba’y natuwa, wala silang klase or mamaya pang hapon, ang iba nama’y nalungkot – at isa ako don – may klase ako eksaktong pagkatapos ng orientation at Physics pa ang subject ko.

Tumakbo akong papunta ng Math Building, natatakot na baka imbes na isang guro ang nailagay nila sa section ko, nakapaglagay sila ng isang halimaw na nangangain ng bata. Nung ako’y dumating doon, my fears were proven wrong. Mabait ang naging professor naming sa Nasc 3 – at lately nalaman kong elegante pa, nag-le-lecture ng naka-Apple! – at pala tawa.

Natapos ang aking unang araw sa UP at umuwi na ako sa aking munting tirahan. At katulad ng halos lahat ng nakilala kong hindi taga-rito, na homesick.

Episode 1 – The Opposite of Hyderdrive

People who have been able to watch or read any Sci-Fi material are acquainted with the idea of Hyperdrive or Hyperspace or Space Jump. For those who don’t, Hyperdrive, Hyperspace or Space Jump is the idea in Science Fiction where a body, commonly a ship, flies through long distances at the speed of light (most probably). For those who still cannot understand, when a ship tries to escape their enemies in space, or go to a distant planet, moon or satellite, they use Hyperdrive, Hyperspace or Space Jump (you know this when you see that the stars become really long streaks of light); case in point, Star Wars and Star Trek, I don’t think that their stories would be the same if there were no such abilities in their ships.

Now, you are probably wondering what this has to do with my adventures here in Los Baños, I will tell you in a moment.

Here in the beautiful and very green–in a natural way–land of Los Baños, there is no Hyperdrive, not that it exists anywhere else in the world. What I am talking about is the essence of it, the idea of it. There is none of it here.

When I spent my first days here alone, I was still used to the speed of the City, so when I got here I thought that every clock that I had ran 30 minutes slower, I thought that the day had suddenly grown longer and that everyone and everything around me seemed to go in slow motion.

Los Baños is a place not yet affected by the hustle and bustle of the City–because it isn’t–and by the alarming speed of technology. Los Baños is a sleepy little place where everything–from people, to the weather, to cars–moves in a lethargic way. Time as they say is Gold, and unlike in Manila where people use their gold as fast as possible, the people here hold onto their gold, holding it close to them and spending their time slowly and enjoy the day.

Pfff...

I did it again, I promised that i wouldn't but i did.
Disappointment, a feeling of of having not met a certain standard or an expectation. I've promised over a dozen times that i won't do it again, but i did, what now?
Yeah, it was nice in the beginning, but in the end, there was a void, a feeling that it was worthless, that i've just wasted precious moments of my life and that i've just let Him down.

I'm sorry, i can't say that i didn't mean it, how could i not mean it, i'm weak, i'm frail, i admit that i was wrong, and for that, i'm sorry, i humbly apologize.

The Los Banos Chronicles

Monday, April 4
Morning
I started the day like any other, waking up when i want to, eating what i want, watching a little TV, stuff like that. I went to school and tried to take in as much as i could, being that the school would end soon. I spent time with my friends, worked on some requirements for UP Los Banos (I thought i was way ahead of my schedule since my registration was not until May 4) catching up on some things, talking about our lives after JASMS, the Pope, and some conspiracy theories.

After a while, we got bored, and they said that we should go watch a movie, i proposed Be Cool (John Travolta is the king of Effortless Cool!) Then i checked my wallet and found out that i didn't have any cash on me, so i said that i'd catch up with them.

Monday, April 4
Afternoon 2:00
I went to my mother's office, hoping that she would replenish my resources and allow me to go to the movies. I waited at her office up till 5:oo because she was in a meeting only to learn that she and my dad had another engagement till 8 that night. So they gave me some money and told me to go home. So I did, satisfied with my day, even though i didn't quite accomplish all the things i wanted to do, but hey, i thought, UP registration isn't until May 4.


Monday, April 4
Evening 6:00
I sat in front of the computer and started on my request letter for the forms i needed. When i was finished, i thought i'd get started on the things i needed to fill up for UPLB. So i got my letter and started filling up the blanks. BANG! There it was in black ink, it said that if they didn't receive the Reply Slip that i just started to fill up by April 4, they would forfeit my slot. I was flabbergasted. UPLB was my only chance of getting into the UP System and i was slowly losing it. I sat there like the sky suddenly lost the pillars that hoisted it up and came crashing down on me, i was sweating cold sweats, profusely! My heart was beating like a jackhammer!
What would i tell my parents? That in my quest of spending more time with my friends in the final days of my highschool life, i've neglected my responsibility of reading the letter which ultimately holds the key to my future?

I sat there in a void that i myself created, watching the clock ticking, time creeping towards the end of the day. What was i to do? Even if i had mustered enough courage to tell my parents, they were still human, they could not pull back the hands of time, then tell me to do my responsibility. So i did what any teenager would do in such a predicament. I ran upstairs, got a pen, and started jotting down what was asked for in the blanks, trying to finish it before my parents got home so i could explain it to them, and tell them that i'd already finished it. WAIT! i have a better idea! I'd call a friend of mine who was going to go to LB and ask her is she already passed hers, if she didn't then i would have someone to use in my weaseling out. So i did, but she told me that she already did. Fuck! What now?

Monday, April 4
Evening 8:00
I tried to finish the forms as fast i could, hoping to God that He would cause my parents arrival to be deterred. Then, my impending doom came with three words, BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
I wrote in hyperdrive, and if there were speed limits to writing, i'd receive a ton of tickets. I sat there writing and i heard the chime, meaning that someone had come through the door. I immediately ran downstairs and mustered my courage as a newbie soldier musters courage when he is about to face an entire battalion of battle-hardened men.
When i told them, the happiness from their faces disappeared, like when you pop a Listerine Pocket Pak into your mouth, their faces warped and they exploded!
I tried to explain, but i knew my fault, so did the best possible defense at those type of situations, looking at the ground while keeping silent, contemplating on your possible future (since suicide isn't an answer) thinking if running away would do any good, or how you would do it and how you would survive after your great escape.
My mother said that we could rush to UPLB that night and give it to the people their, and reason out that it arrived at April 4. When i opened my mouth trying to say that that would be pointless, she told me to shut up. That was the first time i saw my mother that angry, and the first time she told me to keep my tongue still. So i didn't talk again for the remainder of the night.
My father was even more mad, he was looking forward to me studying in such a premiere university that he blew up. I couldn't blame him, he was right. I didn't do much at home, all i did was watch TV and use the PC, i didn't make my own bed, and all that stuff, and i let them down by not doing the little responsibility that i had.
Then he got up and got a glass that i put beside the computer, which i forgot to put back, and threw it to the ground, and it shattered into a million tiny pieces, and i saw my future shattering as well.
Then he said that we'd just go their in the morning to try to submit it and we'll just try to reason out why we submitted it late.
He talked to my brother if he wanted to come with us and told him to set his alarm early, very early, but he didn't even look at me, and he referred to me in the third person, like i wasn't there, or he was, for that particular moment in time, neglecting my existence.

I went upstairs, there was a subtle uneasiness in the house, and I tried, desperately tried to sleep, i prayed to God to give me shelter, to hug me in his arms at that time that i really needed Him, i think He did, because i fell asleep.

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit nervous

Nostalgia, it is defined as a bittersweet longing for something long gone, a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition.

Last night was Graduation, I sat amidst all the people that I love, who have changed my life, and my outlook on it, and for that, I thank them all.

Graduation gave me a sense of accomplishment, I learned that all those sleepless nights and days of hard labor were not wasted (also because this was my first). I was happy, i finished highschool, i had bragging rights as they would say, but then again, with finishing highschool meant leaving friends.

They declared us graduates, I knew that was it, it was probably the last time i would see my friends and batchmates ever again.

I got to tell her last night and that was enough to make me happy.

Thank you JASMS, thank you Seniors for changing my life. I would never ever forget that once in my life, i met all of you

Yahoo!

Oi, blog (kasi di ba yung iba dear diary yung sinasabi) graduate na ako sa CAT! at may medal ako (ewan ko kung para saan, kasi di naman ako perfect attendance) (siguro sinabi kaya lang di ako nakikinig) yung medal namin nakalagay Philippine Navy Reserve (hala pede akong isabak sa gera!)

Nakakamiss rin tandaan yung CAT, kahit na ayaw naming magform minsan, kasi naging parte rin to ng buhay namin (kahit na minsan gusto naming ipagkaila)

Fidel, spin the bottle

Today, there were lots of amazing things that happened and i'd just like to list them down so that in the future, when my memory starts to dwindle away, i can look here and try to relive them.

Today was our recollection and I had loads of fun.
I really, really, REALLY wanted to cry, but the tears just wouldn't fall, but then again, deep inside, i was sobbing like a little school girl.

Today, i've rekindled my relationship with God, the message hit me hard.

Today, i saw one of the most beautiful sights i've seen in my entire life, my batchmates crying their hearts out and hugging each other in an expression of true love. The scene made me want to start crying. It was probably one of the most touching things i've ever witnessed in my life.

Today, i had the chance to share my hopes, my dreams and my life to people who would really listen.

Today, i got the chance to thank my parents for being there and for loving me even though there are times that i'm not worthy to receive such a love.

Today, i didn't have the chance to tell her, or probably, i had the chance long ago but i squandered it away. Probably she's not the person God wants for me.

Today, we played spin the bottle (with Fidel/Loid the bottle spinner) and i learned a lot about the people that surround me, and of how much they make me feel happy.

And finally today, i've loved these people that have been a part of my life more, and that i would never ever forget them for as long as i live

The Beautiful Letdown

Was it beautiful?
I'm not sure, in a way i guess it was...
Was it a letdown?
'Course it was

The Prom, they say it's a night that ought to be remembered, but everytime i remember it, i get ashamed of myself. Sure i got to dance with her, but i didn't get to say what i wanted, i knew it would end, and that i had my chance, but i threw it down the drain; i wish it could've lasted longer, if i could have hit Time's pause button and stayed in that moment for another day, another month, or an eternity.

Were you happy?
I'm not sure, was I?
You were, but the thing that you were expecting to make you happy didn't, and the things that you didn't count on did.
Yeah, i guess

I did enjoy what happened afterwards, the hotel and all, its something that makes me regret having to graduate a few weeks from now, and leaving all the people i love.

The beauty of the things that pop into our heads

I cant really think of anything to write about my life right now...
Except maybe for the fact that we have to submit tons and tons (and i mean tons) of projects and homeworks and stuff, and that life feels crammed, and that waiting for the UPCAT results is a drag.

I'm not sure.
Should i tell her?

I've probably told some people that i'd tell her at prom, but now, i'm just not sure, (and i know that i'm being mellowdramatic again) i'm not sure if i should, because if i do, i might ruin their thing, and i don't want that, since she's happy and all, but if i don't, then i would neglect something i'd been wanting to do for a long time...

Pfff...

I'd want to tell her, but she already knows, so what's the point, but it'd be good if it really came from my own mouth (or heart [damn that was so cheezy!]) If i do, would i ruin her happiness, sabagay, hindi naman ako ganon ka importante o kalaking tao sa buhay nya para makasira ng kaligayahan niya.

I don't know man...

Hfff...all i can do is breathe these heavy breaths and hope for the best.

Flatulence, Undulation, Profusely

Flatulence, a fancy word for fart; Undulation, the word curving, made longer; Profusely, also means greatly.
They just make things longer when short words would suffice. Hehehe...

Today, my back was stiff, i couldn't freakin' bend over, or stoop, or even look behind me, coz if i did, my back would sting like crazy! So that made my day bad, on top of that, the day was boring, not the boring that you do things then you stop and you get bored, i mean from start to finish, it was boring, so that made my day worse. My back still smarts...

I just remembered that i had to do something! That sucks, when you have to do something, you psyche yourself about how much you'd spend your time at home doing it (coz you really would want to) then you'd completely forget about it, and you'll only remember it when you only have a few more hours before the day's over.

By the way, I don't have my cellphone anymore, and my wallet to add to that, coz i got robbed, pfff...you know what they say, "When it rains, it pours" hfff...

I really wish the Retreat their planning gets approved, since its our last year in JASMS and all...

Au Revoir 2004

Hmm...New Year na!

Its that time of year when you remember all the good times you had, and of course those dumb, idiotic things you did the past year, the time of year where you get to reminisce and reflect on those days that are now just memories....(Whoa that was so dramatic!)

Every New Year, people get to face the reality that were just tiny specks in the great and ever continuous stream of time, and that no matter what we do, we're all ultimately going to face the same end...

Time is so darn fast! One day I'll just wake up in an apartment I can't remember with a job I don't know i have and i'll hardly recognize myself in the mirror when i look, and i'll miss the golden days, when i was in highschool, when i uhm..."studied" in JASMS, when i hardly had a care in the world, when i experienced what it was to love, all those things...

I'll miss JASMS when i graduate, and i'll miss all of you and all the memories you gave!
I love you all!