I did it again, I promised that i wouldn't but i did.
Disappointment, a feeling of of having not met a certain standard or an expectation. I've promised over a dozen times that i won't do it again, but i did, what now?
Yeah, it was nice in the beginning, but in the end, there was a void, a feeling that it was worthless, that i've just wasted precious moments of my life and that i've just let Him down.
I'm sorry, i can't say that i didn't mean it, how could i not mean it, i'm weak, i'm frail, i admit that i was wrong, and for that, i'm sorry, i humbly apologize.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
The Los Banos Chronicles
Monday, April 4
Morning
I started the day like any other, waking up when i want to, eating what i want, watching a little TV, stuff like that. I went to school and tried to take in as much as i could, being that the school would end soon. I spent time with my friends, worked on some requirements for UP Los Banos (I thought i was way ahead of my schedule since my registration was not until May 4) catching up on some things, talking about our lives after JASMS, the Pope, and some conspiracy theories.
After a while, we got bored, and they said that we should go watch a movie, i proposed Be Cool (John Travolta is the king of Effortless Cool!) Then i checked my wallet and found out that i didn't have any cash on me, so i said that i'd catch up with them.
Monday, April 4
Afternoon 2:00
I went to my mother's office, hoping that she would replenish my resources and allow me to go to the movies. I waited at her office up till 5:oo because she was in a meeting only to learn that she and my dad had another engagement till 8 that night. So they gave me some money and told me to go home. So I did, satisfied with my day, even though i didn't quite accomplish all the things i wanted to do, but hey, i thought, UP registration isn't until May 4.
Monday, April 4
Evening 6:00
I sat in front of the computer and started on my request letter for the forms i needed. When i was finished, i thought i'd get started on the things i needed to fill up for UPLB. So i got my letter and started filling up the blanks. BANG! There it was in black ink, it said that if they didn't receive the Reply Slip that i just started to fill up by April 4, they would forfeit my slot. I was flabbergasted. UPLB was my only chance of getting into the UP System and i was slowly losing it. I sat there like the sky suddenly lost the pillars that hoisted it up and came crashing down on me, i was sweating cold sweats, profusely! My heart was beating like a jackhammer!
What would i tell my parents? That in my quest of spending more time with my friends in the final days of my highschool life, i've neglected my responsibility of reading the letter which ultimately holds the key to my future?
I sat there in a void that i myself created, watching the clock ticking, time creeping towards the end of the day. What was i to do? Even if i had mustered enough courage to tell my parents, they were still human, they could not pull back the hands of time, then tell me to do my responsibility. So i did what any teenager would do in such a predicament. I ran upstairs, got a pen, and started jotting down what was asked for in the blanks, trying to finish it before my parents got home so i could explain it to them, and tell them that i'd already finished it. WAIT! i have a better idea! I'd call a friend of mine who was going to go to LB and ask her is she already passed hers, if she didn't then i would have someone to use in my weaseling out. So i did, but she told me that she already did. Fuck! What now?
Monday, April 4
Evening 8:00
I tried to finish the forms as fast i could, hoping to God that He would cause my parents arrival to be deterred. Then, my impending doom came with three words, BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
I wrote in hyperdrive, and if there were speed limits to writing, i'd receive a ton of tickets. I sat there writing and i heard the chime, meaning that someone had come through the door. I immediately ran downstairs and mustered my courage as a newbie soldier musters courage when he is about to face an entire battalion of battle-hardened men.
When i told them, the happiness from their faces disappeared, like when you pop a Listerine Pocket Pak into your mouth, their faces warped and they exploded!
I tried to explain, but i knew my fault, so did the best possible defense at those type of situations, looking at the ground while keeping silent, contemplating on your possible future (since suicide isn't an answer) thinking if running away would do any good, or how you would do it and how you would survive after your great escape.
My mother said that we could rush to UPLB that night and give it to the people their, and reason out that it arrived at April 4. When i opened my mouth trying to say that that would be pointless, she told me to shut up. That was the first time i saw my mother that angry, and the first time she told me to keep my tongue still. So i didn't talk again for the remainder of the night.
My father was even more mad, he was looking forward to me studying in such a premiere university that he blew up. I couldn't blame him, he was right. I didn't do much at home, all i did was watch TV and use the PC, i didn't make my own bed, and all that stuff, and i let them down by not doing the little responsibility that i had.
Then he got up and got a glass that i put beside the computer, which i forgot to put back, and threw it to the ground, and it shattered into a million tiny pieces, and i saw my future shattering as well.
Then he said that we'd just go their in the morning to try to submit it and we'll just try to reason out why we submitted it late.
He talked to my brother if he wanted to come with us and told him to set his alarm early, very early, but he didn't even look at me, and he referred to me in the third person, like i wasn't there, or he was, for that particular moment in time, neglecting my existence.
I went upstairs, there was a subtle uneasiness in the house, and I tried, desperately tried to sleep, i prayed to God to give me shelter, to hug me in his arms at that time that i really needed Him, i think He did, because i fell asleep.
Morning
I started the day like any other, waking up when i want to, eating what i want, watching a little TV, stuff like that. I went to school and tried to take in as much as i could, being that the school would end soon. I spent time with my friends, worked on some requirements for UP Los Banos (I thought i was way ahead of my schedule since my registration was not until May 4) catching up on some things, talking about our lives after JASMS, the Pope, and some conspiracy theories.
After a while, we got bored, and they said that we should go watch a movie, i proposed Be Cool (John Travolta is the king of Effortless Cool!) Then i checked my wallet and found out that i didn't have any cash on me, so i said that i'd catch up with them.
Monday, April 4
Afternoon 2:00
I went to my mother's office, hoping that she would replenish my resources and allow me to go to the movies. I waited at her office up till 5:oo because she was in a meeting only to learn that she and my dad had another engagement till 8 that night. So they gave me some money and told me to go home. So I did, satisfied with my day, even though i didn't quite accomplish all the things i wanted to do, but hey, i thought, UP registration isn't until May 4.
Monday, April 4
Evening 6:00
I sat in front of the computer and started on my request letter for the forms i needed. When i was finished, i thought i'd get started on the things i needed to fill up for UPLB. So i got my letter and started filling up the blanks. BANG! There it was in black ink, it said that if they didn't receive the Reply Slip that i just started to fill up by April 4, they would forfeit my slot. I was flabbergasted. UPLB was my only chance of getting into the UP System and i was slowly losing it. I sat there like the sky suddenly lost the pillars that hoisted it up and came crashing down on me, i was sweating cold sweats, profusely! My heart was beating like a jackhammer!
What would i tell my parents? That in my quest of spending more time with my friends in the final days of my highschool life, i've neglected my responsibility of reading the letter which ultimately holds the key to my future?
I sat there in a void that i myself created, watching the clock ticking, time creeping towards the end of the day. What was i to do? Even if i had mustered enough courage to tell my parents, they were still human, they could not pull back the hands of time, then tell me to do my responsibility. So i did what any teenager would do in such a predicament. I ran upstairs, got a pen, and started jotting down what was asked for in the blanks, trying to finish it before my parents got home so i could explain it to them, and tell them that i'd already finished it. WAIT! i have a better idea! I'd call a friend of mine who was going to go to LB and ask her is she already passed hers, if she didn't then i would have someone to use in my weaseling out. So i did, but she told me that she already did. Fuck! What now?
Monday, April 4
Evening 8:00
I tried to finish the forms as fast i could, hoping to God that He would cause my parents arrival to be deterred. Then, my impending doom came with three words, BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
I wrote in hyperdrive, and if there were speed limits to writing, i'd receive a ton of tickets. I sat there writing and i heard the chime, meaning that someone had come through the door. I immediately ran downstairs and mustered my courage as a newbie soldier musters courage when he is about to face an entire battalion of battle-hardened men.
When i told them, the happiness from their faces disappeared, like when you pop a Listerine Pocket Pak into your mouth, their faces warped and they exploded!
I tried to explain, but i knew my fault, so did the best possible defense at those type of situations, looking at the ground while keeping silent, contemplating on your possible future (since suicide isn't an answer) thinking if running away would do any good, or how you would do it and how you would survive after your great escape.
My mother said that we could rush to UPLB that night and give it to the people their, and reason out that it arrived at April 4. When i opened my mouth trying to say that that would be pointless, she told me to shut up. That was the first time i saw my mother that angry, and the first time she told me to keep my tongue still. So i didn't talk again for the remainder of the night.
My father was even more mad, he was looking forward to me studying in such a premiere university that he blew up. I couldn't blame him, he was right. I didn't do much at home, all i did was watch TV and use the PC, i didn't make my own bed, and all that stuff, and i let them down by not doing the little responsibility that i had.
Then he got up and got a glass that i put beside the computer, which i forgot to put back, and threw it to the ground, and it shattered into a million tiny pieces, and i saw my future shattering as well.
Then he said that we'd just go their in the morning to try to submit it and we'll just try to reason out why we submitted it late.
He talked to my brother if he wanted to come with us and told him to set his alarm early, very early, but he didn't even look at me, and he referred to me in the third person, like i wasn't there, or he was, for that particular moment in time, neglecting my existence.
I went upstairs, there was a subtle uneasiness in the house, and I tried, desperately tried to sleep, i prayed to God to give me shelter, to hug me in his arms at that time that i really needed Him, i think He did, because i fell asleep.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit nervous
Nostalgia, it is defined as a bittersweet longing for something long gone, a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition.
Last night was Graduation, I sat amidst all the people that I love, who have changed my life, and my outlook on it, and for that, I thank them all.
Graduation gave me a sense of accomplishment, I learned that all those sleepless nights and days of hard labor were not wasted (also because this was my first). I was happy, i finished highschool, i had bragging rights as they would say, but then again, with finishing highschool meant leaving friends.
They declared us graduates, I knew that was it, it was probably the last time i would see my friends and batchmates ever again.
I got to tell her last night and that was enough to make me happy.
Thank you JASMS, thank you Seniors for changing my life. I would never ever forget that once in my life, i met all of you
Last night was Graduation, I sat amidst all the people that I love, who have changed my life, and my outlook on it, and for that, I thank them all.
Graduation gave me a sense of accomplishment, I learned that all those sleepless nights and days of hard labor were not wasted (also because this was my first). I was happy, i finished highschool, i had bragging rights as they would say, but then again, with finishing highschool meant leaving friends.
They declared us graduates, I knew that was it, it was probably the last time i would see my friends and batchmates ever again.
I got to tell her last night and that was enough to make me happy.
Thank you JASMS, thank you Seniors for changing my life. I would never ever forget that once in my life, i met all of you
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