simple lang.

alam kong hindi ako ang unang nagisip ng ganito. sigurado ako simula simula pa, maraming tao na ang napatigil, napangalumbaba, napabuntong hininga, at napaisip:


"pwede bang simple na lang ang buhay?"




hindi ako nag-da-drama.




okay, siguro medyo nag-da-drama nga ako.
naisip ko lang, bakit sobrang...pano ba...kumplikado ng buhay? na hindi rin naman. tignan mo. pagkasilang mo sa mundo, halos lahat ng kailangan mong gawin at makamit sa buhay, nakalatag na. pagdating mo sa isang certain na edad (depende sa magulang mo kung balak nilang gawin kang "achiever"), papapasukin ka na sa paaralan. at simula nyan, alam mo na tatahakin mo. sunod sunod na yan.


kinder, check. prep, check. grade 1, check...grade 6, check. nakadepende sa school mo kung anong susunod, kung grade 7 o kung high school na. tapos anong kasunod? college exams. tapos college. tapos trabaho. tapos pamilya. tapos tatanda ka. tapos mamatay.


simple lang di ba? madali sundan. pero mahirap pa rin e. andaming nakasiksik at nakasingit na kung ano anong pampagulo sa buhay sa pagitan ng mga yan. aling course? saan ako magtatrabaho? sino papakasalan ko? saan ako magpapagamot? anong ipapangalan ko sa anak ko? dapat ko ba i-invest pera ko dito? bakit andaming nagugutom? saan ako magpapalibing?


andaming pangyayaring nakapalibot sa buhay natin na kung tutuusin, parang hindi mo naman talaga kailangan, na hindi naman mahalaga. pero kung umasta at pumapel sila sa mga buhay natin akala mo mamamatay tayo pag wala sila.


anlabo, parang nag-ra-ramble na lang ako.


minsan lang talaga mapapaisip ka na, ganito ba talaga ang dapat kong gawin sa buhay? napadpad ba ako sa daigdig para pumila sa pagkahaba-habang pila araw araw; para makipagsiksikan at matapak-tapakan sa loob ng mainit na tren; para umupo sa harap ng screen ng computer buong magdamag; para utos-utosan; para mag-edit ng kung ano na namang commercial na puno ng mukha ng magaganda at gwapong artistang nagbebenta ng kung anong produktong hindi ko naman talaga kailangan - mga artistang mapangakit ngumiti, pero kita mo sa mga mata nila na sila mismo, hindi naniniwala sa binebenta nila.


isipin mo na lang. para saan? anong ginagawa mo? marketing executive? corporate media planner? call center agent? training specialist sa isang kumpanya? copy writer? intern sa advertising firm?


isipin mo, para saan yan? anong point? hindi ako nagpapaka-banal, hindi ako holier-than-thou, nagtatanong lang ako kasi lately tinatanong ko sa sarili ko to. anong point? anong puno't dulo ng ginagawa ko? anong point ng paggawa natin? para kumita? tapos makakaipon ka. pag namatay ka na ano na ngayon? anong magagawa ng pera mo? hindi mo naman masusuhulan si kamatayan na next week ka na lang sunduin gamit ang lahat ng pera mo di ba? so para saan?


sinasabi ko bang wag na lang trabaho? baka iniisip niyo na may angst lang ako sa trabaho kaya ako nakapagsabi ng ganito. aaminin ko, medyo, oo, pero hindi naman talaga yun ang point ko dito. napaisip lang ako. sinasabi sa akin parati ng mga magulang ko na ang mahalaga sa paghahanap ng trabaho ay yung masaya ka sa ginagawa mo. na pag ginawa mo, hindi mo iisiping nagtatrabaho ka kasi na-e-enjoy mo. tama sila dun. pero may natutunan ako


(nakakatawa, wala pa akong isang taong nagtatrabaho pero natutunan ko na)


hindi sapat na masaya ka. hindi lang yun. mahalaga rin na may saysay ang ginagawa mo. yun yung hinahanap ko sa trabaho ko ngayon. nakikita ko sa mga magulang ko yun e. pagud-paguran ang trabaho nila. hindi biro pumunta sa mga liblib na lugar para magturo ng mga tao tungkol sa pagpapalaki ng mga anak. pero paguwi nila kita mo sa mga mata nila na masaya sila dahil alam nilang mayroong masaya sa nagawa nila. na alam nilang kahit papaano, nakatulong sila na mabago at mapagbuti ang buhay ng iba. tignan mo yung mga teacher sa public school, yung mga talagang nagtuturo dahil gusto magturo. talu-talo na sa kikitain, ang mahalaga maturuan nila yung mga bata, mapaghanda sila sa buhay nila. kahit yung ibang mga mayayaman, tignan mo sila, hindi sila nagpapakasasa sa pera nila, bukas ang mga palad nila para tumulong.


simple lang ang puno't dulo ng buhay nila, ang makatulong sa iba.






hindi ko maintindihan kasi. tignan mo, lalo na sa syudad. andaming mayaman, andaming magagarbo ang damit, andaming pera, pero hindi masaya ang mga tao. parating stressed, nagmamadali, hindi mapakali. kaya rin ako nagtatanong. bakit hindi sila masaya? bakit pinapahirap nila mga buhay nila? parating kelangan may hinahabol, minamadali. hindi ba pwedeng tumigil ka lang saglit, huminga ng malalim, magmasid sa paligid mo. oo wala na masyadong puno sa maynila, pero maganda pa rin tignan e. sikat ang manila sa sunset niya, pero pustahan tayo hindi mo na nakikita, bakit? nakakulong ka sa opisina mo nagmamadali magtapos ng report.


bakit?


bakit parati tayong nagmamadali? parati tayong may deadline na hinahabol, quota na kelangan maabot. at matapos ang araw hindi tayo nagpapahinga, bumabagsak lang tayo sa pagod.








at pagtanda mo, pagkamatay mo, at haharap ka sa Diyos, at tinanong Niya sayo, "Anong ginawa mo sa buhay mo?" anong isasagot mo?


Nagtapos po ako ng report. Nagedit po ako ng pelikula. Naghabol po ako ng deadline.

hatful of hollow

i constantly live my life for others.
i do not say this because i want to sound altruistic, or good natured, or holy.
i am simply saying that my life is constantly lived for others.

my time and resources are constantly spent for the pleasure and satisfaction of people around me (i.e. my friends, my family, complete strangers).

my own enjoyment and my own pleasures and joys are constantly waived in favor of those of others.
despite how i yearn for the freedom and solitude i know that i cannot have it.

this is not to say that i am not thankful for these people who God, in His infinite wisdom, has so lovingly bestowed upon me.
i am thankful for them.
it would be a lie to say that i am not grateful for them.

it is however also true to say that there are some points in my life that i wish to be alone.
to have that opportunity to be my own man, that is to say, to be afforded the opportunity to have time for myself and time to do things that i enjoy, that i want, and not have to explain myself or to defend myself.

am i asking for an excuse to do things that are not right? that are sinful or immoral in nature? not at all.
i have no intention of conducting such affairs.
i am a man of simple tastes and have simple desires.
i simply ask the time and the opportunity to enjoy them.
i clarify that these are not base and earthly pleasures.

am i asking for these responsibilities and accountabilities towards these people to be repealed? again i say no.
i know and recognize that God, in His holy, loving and unfathomable wisdom, prepared this path for me and i accept it, without grudges.

again i simply state that what i ask for is simply an opportunity to take a breath, to be my own man even for a small fraction of time.

simply that.

Nerdness of the Day - Nerd-bama Strikes Again.

The Force is strong with this one. This is one of the many reasons why I like Obama, he isn't afraid to admit he's a big nerd, and he actually enjoys it. 

Someone should following suit, a Gloria-Palpatine methinks. 

Photo via Gawker

Pure Awesomeness of the Day - Love Story Taylor Swift meets Viva La Vida Coldplay

Simply amazing.


Here are the credits as follows:
Arranged by Jon Schmidt
Co-arranged by Steven Sharp Nelson
Recorded at Big Idea Studios
Engineered by Jake Bowen and Chuck Myers
Produced by Jon Schmidt
Co- produced by Chuck Myers
"Love Story" written by Taylor Swift
"Viva la Vida" written by Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland, Will Champion, Chris Martin
Video Produced by Amenat Studios
Directed by Matthew Mclelland
Director of Photography: Patrick Ryan Gass




I own nothing. Please don't sue me.

we are what we give.

since when did trivial, mundane and fleeting things and facts become the deciding factor to how good a friend, relative, lover, child, student, we are? since when did remembering and forgetting the dates of certain determine who we are to others?

we are not good friends because of how we stick by our friends regardless of the situation, but because of our ability to remember when a friend's birthday is, what that friend's favorite color is, how that friend likes this certain food to be served, what kind of coffee this friend wants, what kind of favors we are able to give.

how did we become a society whose basis of a good relationship are various trinkets of more or less large monetary value but of no sentimental value, the remembrance of utterly trivial facts, and the giving of various favors. Since when did human relationships become so materialistic and pointless?

Parang Pelikula Lang.

Kadalasang sinasabi na sa buhay ng kabataan, ang panahon na nasa kolehiyo siya ang isa sa pinakamahala at maimpluwensiyang parte ng kanyang buhay. Dito maku-kwestyon lahat ng kanyang pinapaniwalaan. Kung anu-ano mga pilosopiya at paniniwala ang sinusubukan pumasok sa kanyang pagiisip. Samu’t saring mga bagay na nakikipagunahan para sa kanyang atensyon. Sa panahon na ito, nakikipagunahan ang mundo sa Diyos para mahubog ang isip, ang puso, ang buong pagkatao ng isang kabataan.

Ngayong semestere, mayroon akong isang klase ngayon na tungkol sa cinematography. Pinagaaralan naming kung paano ayusing ang nakikita at posisyon ng kamera, ang posisyon, lakas, kulay at timpla ng ilaw, ang bawat kilos, galaw, ultimo suot ng mga artista, halos lahat ng elemento na makikita at hindi makikita sa frame para maipakita, maparamdam at maipahiwatig sa pinakamagandang paraan ang emosyon at ibig sabihin sa eksena. Isa sa mga pinakamahalaga kong natutunan sa klase kong ito ay kahit gaano mo artehan ang pagkuha mo ng shot, madalas mas maipaparamdam mo ang gusto mong ipahiwatig sa simpleng bagay, minsan, sa kung bagay na hindi nakikita.

Sinabi sa akin ni Ate Ging nang ialok niya sa akin na isulat ito, i-kuwento ko lang kung ano para sa akin ang ibig sabihin ng “God with us.” Sa ilang taon ko ng pagaaral sa kolehiyo, naramdaman ko ang kamay at ang gabay ng Panginoon sa aking buhay. Natutunan ko na sa bawat pagkakataon sa aking buhay kolehiyo, nandyan lang Siya, nakabantay, nakaalalay. Na kahit nararamdaman ko man ang Kanyang presensya o hindi, makakasiguro akong nandyan lang Siya. Dahil dito, alam kong ibalik sa Kanya ang pasasalamat sa bawat naipasang exam, quiz, paper, subject. Alam ko rin na sa Kanya lang ako makakapanghawak at hihingi ng tulong para sa lahat ng pagsubok. Siya ang naging Cinematographer ng aking buhay. Inaayos Niya ang bawat pagkakataon ng aking buhay para sa ipakita sa akin, pati rin sa iba, ang mensahe na nais niyang malaman ko. Hanggang sa pinakamaliit na aspeto ay parte pa rin ng Kanyang plano. Siya ang pumipili ng kulay, pumipili ng paggalaw ng bawat taong bahagi, pumipili ng dapat makita at ng mga hindi dapat makita, o kung kailang makikita ang hindi pa makita. Alam ko na may nag-a-ayos ng lahat ng aspeto ng buhay ko, alam ko na may parating nakabantay, at nakakaalam ng balak Niya para sa akin. Parang pelikula lang dahil alam ko na sa huli, magiging maayos din ang lahat, na lahat ng nangyayari ay mayroong ibig sabihin. Alam ko na ang bawat pagod, bawat puyat, bawat tawa, bawat galak, bawat singko, bawat uno, bawat tres ay parte ng plano ng Diyos at isinaayos ng Diyos para sa ikabubuti ko at ikaluluwalhati ng Kanyang Pangalan.

God with us. Isang pangako na sa likod ng bawat simangot at ngiti, sa likod ng bawat bagsak at bawat pasa, sa likod ng bawat terror na propesor at mga masasayang kaklase ay isang magaling at mabusising Cinematographer, isang mapagmahal at maarugang Diyos na alam at pinlano ang lahat ng nangyayari at mangyayari, isang Diyos na mapagkakatiwalaan mong may hawak ng lahat ng aspeto ng aking buhay.

nakakatawa

Nanonood rin ako ng balita kanina at pinapakinggan ko ang mga reaksyon ng ilang kilalang mga personalidad sa pag anunsyo ni Noynoy Aquino ng kanyang kandidatura.

Nakakatawa.

Pakinggan mo ang ibang mga Presidential Aspirants ng oposisyon. Pare-pareho lang ang mga kinakanta nila, "gusto kong magkaisa ang oposisyon at ang sambayanan." Ganon ang sinasabi nilang lahat. Pare-pareho nilang pinagmamalaki na handa silang mamuno at magsakripisyo para sa ipagkakaisa ng oposisiyon at ng sambayanan.

Pero sabi nga nila, actions (or the lack of it) speak louder than words.

Tinanong silang lahat kung handa ba silang umatras sa pagtakbo para sa ipagkakaisa ng oposisyon. Kanya-kanya sila ng paraan ng pagpaliwanag pero pare-pareho lang sila ng sinabi, "Hindi ako aatras." Maaring talagang gusto nilang tumulong, maaring tumatakbo sila para lang sa pansariling ambisyon. Pero ang nanginigbabaw, gusto man nila tumulong o hindi, gusto nilang pangalan nila ang mapuri at mangibabaw. Na mas pipiliin nilang makilala at mapursigi ang kanilang mga ambisyon kaysa sa ikaaayos ng mas nakakarami.

Nakakatawa.

nakakatuwa

Kahapon ng umaga, pormal nang idineklara ni Noynoy Aquino ang kanyang pagtakbo sa pagka-Pangulo sa padating na eleksyon. Matagal ko ring inabangan ang announcement niya. Sinundan ko ang bawat update sa kanyang pag-de-desisyon. At nangyari na nga ang matagal na hinihintay kaninang umaga. Sa ika-40 na araw matapos mamatay ng kanyang ina, buong tapang na inako ni Noynoy Aquino ang responsibilidad sa pagtuloy ng laban ng kanyang mga magulang.

Nakakatuwa.

Hindi na natin kayang ipagkaila na sa mga nakaraang taon, unti unting nahulog sa pagiging apathetic ang mga Pilipino, lalo na ang kabataan. Mas interesado pa sila sa pinakabagong chismis, pinakabagong scandal, mas interesado pa ang kabataan sa Dota, kaysa sa kung anong nangyayari sa bansa. Madalas sabihin ng mga matanda na nalulungkot sila, iba na nga daw talaga. Siguro dahil napagod na rin ang mga tao, o nawalan na rin ng pagasa ang kabataan, kami. Nakakawalang gana nga, ang mga taong natural na dapat tinitingala at nagiging ehemplo ng pagiging isang mabuting Pilipino ang siya pang dahilan para ikahiya mo na Pinoy ka. Iba kasi noon. Iba nong panahon ng mga magulang natin. Oo, panahon ng diktadurya noon, pero malinaw noon. Mayroong mga mambabatas at mga public servant na karapatdapat tingalain. Ginagawa nila ang ikabubuti ng lahat, di bale nang masira ang kanilang buhay. Noon, kilala mo kung sino ang dapat tingalain, at kung sino ang kalaban.

Pero iba na ngayon e. Ngayon hindi mo na kilala kung sino ang mali, kung sino ang tama. Nagpapalit ng partido at ng panininindigan at ng ideyalismo ang mga mambabatas at public servant na animo'y nagpapalit lang ng sapatos, pag di na trip, papalitan, pag trip ulit, babalikan. Malamang kaya nawalan na ng gana ang kabataan dahil wala na tayong tinitingala ngayon sa mga namumuno sa atin. Wala na tayong pakialam. Iniisip natin, paulit ulit lang naman, hintay ka lang ng ilang araw, ng ilang buwan, at yung mga naninindigan ngayon ay siyang mga nangungurakot bukas. Nawalan na tayo ng pagasa na magkakaroon pa ng politikong pwede talaga nating tingalain at pagkatiwalaan.

Natutuwa ako sa pag-deklara ni noynoy ng kanyang kandidatura. Oo, marahil sasabihin mo na hindi naman siya sikat, o mas mahalaga, na hindi naman siya si Ninoy o si Cory. Pero. Pero tignan mo ang nangyari sa mga nakaraang linggo. Nabuhay ulit ang diwa ng EDSA. Matanda man o bata na nawalan na ng pakialam ay nagsimula ulit magtanong sa nangyayari sa bansa. Parang napadilat ulit, nakaramdam ulit. Nawala ang partido at kulay at nagsama sama ulit ang mga tao. Siguro. Siguro sa pagtakbo ni Noynoy posible na talagang ayusin at pagkaisahin ang lahat ng nagkawatak-watak. Parating rason ng mga tao na kaya sila nawalan ng pagasa sa gobyerno o nawalan ng pakialam ay dahil wala naman silang makitang matinong papalit o mangunguna. Hindi kaya na ito na ang hinahanap natin?

Aaminin ko na mayroon pa rin akong pagaalinlangan sa pagpagtakbo ni Noynoy. Marahil nga kailangan pa niya ng kaunting experience, malamang bata pa siya. Pero sa lahat ng nagsabi o nagparamdam ng kanilang intensyong kumandidato, siya lang ang pinagkakatiwalaan ko na di masisilaw sa kapangyarihan, at kayang ituloy ang lahat ng ipinaglaban ng lahat ng tao noong unang EDSA.

Nakakatuwa lang makita na sa panahong ito, dahil sa lakas ng loob at sakripisyo ng iilang tao, nagigising nang muli ang diwa ng mga Pilipino.

things that respond to threats

as of late, my internet connection has been very unreliable. it disconnects at the oddest moments, it says it's connected when nothing is up-/down-loading (case in point, as i write this blog, blogger notifies me that it cannot connect to its system). youtube takes an eternity to load. stuff i'm downloading tell me to expect the download to finish in a day (it said the same thing 3 days ago).

funny thing is, whenever i hit refresh, videos, files and sites suddenly load. it's as if they respond only by threathening. i use google chrome as my default browser and whenever i find that it loads too long, i open firefox. interestingly (or as pure coincidence) chrome suddenly loads properly. yes i know it's completely coincidental and is absolutely childish, but somehow i find that threathening inanimate objects seem to make them work more efficiently.

or probably it's just the rain.

the waiting game continues

it's been over a month and i'm still waiting for my thesis respondents. i'm still waiting for their definite responses. it's been over a month and i've only gotten one actual interview and another actual confirmation.

please God, let me graduate this semester.

i find it weird though. i want to graduate, but i'm not that ecstatic to leave behind the recklessness college provides and enter the hustle and bustle, dog-eat-dog state of the real world.

a thank you, a farewell, and a request

as the papers say, cory magic is alive again.

my parents whisper "it's 1986 all over again" as we see people in yellow shirts lining up in the streets, as yellow confetti rain from the sky, as yellow ribbons hug tree trunks and car side mirrors, and the arms of people, as people pull over lifting their hands in an L, as people line up despite of the rain, the wind and the heat of the sun, as tears roll down the cheeks of the rich and of the poor, of the old, and the young.

in her final moments of life, and even in her death, President Corazon Aquino did more to unite the fractured and divided Philippine people than anyone else in recent Philippine history.

in her death, she was able to do what she did best, she was able to bring the Filipino people together. walang mayaman, walang mahirap, walang sundalo, walang aktibista, walang maka-kaliwa, walang maka-kanan, walang pula, walang dilaw, lahat ng pagaalitan ay isinantabi muna. kahit sa huling sandali ng kanyang buhay, napagsama niya at napagkaisa ang mga Pilipino.

even through her sickness, and even in her death, she continued to live up to the ideals of nationalism, of peace, of unity. as a lot of people have already said, she personifies the Filipino people's desire for moral change, for nationalism, for growth. She personifies the best in the Filipino people.

hindi rin naman perpektong tao si President Cory, may mga pagkukulang rin siya, pero hinahangaan ko na ginawa niya ang lahat, na ibinigay niya ang lahat ng makakaya niya, sa kabila ng hirap at ng sakit, dahil sa kanyang pagmamahal sa Diyos, sa mga kababayan, at sa bansa.

they say that it's 1986 all over again, that cory magic is back, that the spirit of EDSA is alive again, and this is evident now everywhere we look.

i pray that this serves as a wake-up call and a rebuke for us to change, for us to get our acts together, to set aside all our bickering and our issues against people, to get rid of the apathy that has seeped into the hearts of people as of late.

may this serve as a wake-up call for the youth to step up to the plate, to do our part, to stop letting others handle the problems of our country and to be the hope that everyone wishes us to be.

may this serve as a rebuke against all the politics and mud-slinging, against all the self-serving, all the financial and moral corruption that our present state of government has become.

nakakalungkot isipin na kinailangan pang mawala ng isang bagong bayani na kagaya ni President Cory para magising tayo sa ganito. pero mas nakakalungkot kung makalipas ng ilang araw, ilang linggo, ay mawawala rin ang lahat ng ito.

sana, sana ang nakikita nating ngayong pagkakaisa at nasyonalismo na nabuhay muli dahil sa pagkawala ni President Cory ay maipagpatuloy natin. sana hindi ito ngayon lang, pero sana maipamuhay natin ang mga adhikain na isinabuhay at ipinaglaban ni Cory.

from a grateful youth who now enjoys the democracy and freedom that you lived for, suffered for, fought for and died for, maraming maraming salamat po President Cory.

an itching on the roof of my mouth

i have this feeling like an itch on the roof of my mouth. that feeling that you know wont go away but you feel like you have to do something to make it go away.

i feel like i have something utterly important to do, that i've forgotten something that i need to do. i have this itching desire to write, to sketch, to shoot, to edit, to read, to do something productive. somehow i feel like i've been a bum for too long (despite being utterly exhausted from doing stuff).

this is probably my worldy self kicking in, in the sense that i have to constantly keep myself busy which'll lead to me being burnt out again.

must'nt do it.

till then.

and now the waiting game begins.

sent my request emails for my thesis waiting for replies. i'm still looking for the contact details of other docu-people. now i'm here waiting for their replies. hopefully they won't be the scary, nosebleedy people i envision them to be.


on the other hand, i'm still waiting for my pending paycheck. computer upgrades here i come. i can't wait to be able to back up EVERYTHING i have into a 1 terabyte external hard drive and to be able to doodle on a tablet.


still waiting for the succeeding issues of blackest night, batman and robin, green lantern, irredeemable and flash: rebirth. most of these comic books (i'm looking at you irredeemable and flash: rebirth) are taking too long to be published. it's like they've completely forgotten that the story lines are still dangling. i shall remain patient and wait on these story lines to finish.


waiting for superman/batman: public enemies. green lantern: first flight was such a blast! it was such an amazing ride therefore i only have high hopes for this new DC feature. (looks like DC is mopping the floor with Marvel's ass when it comes to cartoon features; can't say the same for the film scene).


still still waiting for pixar's up. when will they screen this?! waiting for updates on the status of the ever elusive of batman number 3 (is gary oldman's statement true?)






there. i've fanboyed for far too long.
hahaha.
see you on the other side.

ernie and bernie

respect.

as difficult as it is to see what's happening and to see you like this, as painful as it is, there is always the call to be obedient. God asks us, me, to be obedient. He demands it, but He doesn't rub it in our faces. He gave us free-will and I'd like to think - and i'm sure - that He respects it.

as hard as it is, i have to stand by the call. to obey.

i hate seeing you, me, us, like this.

but i hold on to the hope that He who began a good work will see it through.

i have hope and i believe that God didn't make me, us do this as a joke, for some sort of sick amusement, but for us to grow and to become the people that He's always wanted us to be, people after His own heart and people who will please Him in everything.

i'm really sorry. you know how much i hate seeing you in such a foul mood. and all the more i hate it when i'm the one that causes it. seriously i'm sorry.

i'm not giving up. if i let my emotions get the best of me and do what i want instead of what He wants me to do, that would be giving up. for both our sakes, and to please Him, i won't give up. i'll continue to draw strength from Him.

i'm sorry if i'm not turning out to be the best friend that i promised i would be. i'm sorry if i've said a handful of promises that, apparently, i can't fulfill now that, well, that that's happened. i'm sorry, really i am. i'm sorry if it seems like i'm not trying, know that i am. it hurts me whenever you say, or don't, that i don't try because nothing can be farther from the truth.

i try. you know that i do. i just respect your decisions that i don't want to question them. i respect you that i don't want to push myself at times that you don't want me to be there. i respect you that if you say you don't want to be my friend, i won't fight for it.

but i want you to know that despite you pushing me away, i won't do that to you. don't take this the wrong way. this isn't me puttting up a litany or sounding self-righteous. i just want to assure you that even if you don't want me to be, i'll still be here. think of it as the jla's reserve - people in the background, not really wanted at times but there whenever they're called for.

i'm always praying for you and i'm always here. not really sure if you'll be able to read this soon, eventually i know you'll stumble across this. not sure if that'll be on time, but then again, all in His time.

you know how to reach me if ever you decide you want to again.

til then.

episode nth

hi blog.
arrogant, dipshit,, mellowdramatic turd.
how have you been?
asshole.

things i have decided to do this february

(aka my very late new year's resolution)

• not cut my hair so long as my grandmother is undergoing chemo
• donate blood (since it's been 3 years)
• stop being an assh*le
• spend more time with neglected friends
• finish my hanging stories
• finish my hanging books
• practice editing more
• draw more
• spend more time with my brother (who will be there at my wedding unlike the computer who won't even help me with making masks)
• finish the script
• start shooting with the ants
• finish shooting with the ants
• spend more time taking pictures
• email family more often
• rest more often
• still spend more time with neglected friends
• breathe
• live

i hope to accomplish at least a quarter of that.
gulp.

while i am in a joker state

you've changed things, forever.

see to them you're just a freak, like me.

let's put a smile on that face.

ahahahahahahahahahahaha

now i know why i'm so enamored by clowns and masked beings.
everything is alright.

episode nth - grace is gone

somehow the dave matthews band always has a song to sum everything up.
even if the lyrics are off in some way, the melody of the song has everything summed up.

so, a big round of applause for the dave matthews band.

(the curtain raises, some guy thinks it's good to have smoke machines fill up the stage,
neon purple and green lights blink in the sidelines,
dave matthews plucks a few strings of his guitar,
the audience is silent, save for the occasional enthusiastic fan blurting out nonsensical screams)



Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight,
Its 2 am, Im drunk again,
Its heavy on my mind, its heavy on my mind.

I could never love again,
So much as I love you.
Where you end, where I begin,
Is like a river going through.

Take my heart, take my eyes,
Cause Ill need them no more.
If never again theyll fall upon,
The one I so adore.

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I dont need to think.
She broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and Ill move on.

One drink to remember,
And another to forget.
How could I ever dream to find a love like this again?
One drink to remember, another to forget...

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Would you make it strong,
Cause I dont need to think.
She broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and Ill move on.
One more drink and Ill move on.

You think of things impossible,
Then the sun refuse to shine.
I woke with you beside me,
Your cold hand lay in mine.

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I dont need to think.
She broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and Ill go...

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I dont need to think.
She broke my heart, my grace is gone.
Another drink and Ill move on,
One more drink and Ill move on.
One more drink my grace is gone.



(the curtain goes down, the people applaud and scream in approval, i stand still.
everyone leaves the auditorium, paper, plastic cups, posters, streamers are left strewn on the floor, as i stand still.
a man sweeps behind me but he fails to notice the lone person standing amidst the trash.
the sweeper finishes,
the crew packs the equipment,
the band walks towards the exit,
the chairs are removed.
everything is packed up, everything is back to the way they were,
the lights are closed.
i'm still standing where i stood the entire time,
the melody of the song still in my head,
"one more drink, can you make it strong cause i don't need to think"
i'm still standing.
still waiting)












-----

ang corny. pwe.

pwe.

wala na akong maintindihan.
+
ayoko na ng sem na 'to
+
anlabo na ng lahat ng nangyayari
+
nasa gitna ako ng isang malaki at malabong laro
+
inaantok na ako
+
alam kong pinagtatawanan na ako (tsk. tsk)
+
isa na naman?
+
ampangit talaga ng abilidad kong yun.
+
yan ang napapala ng makulit na bata
+
di ba kasi sinabihan ka na na ganyan ang mangyayari?
+
yan tuloy tignan mo ngayon
+
wala nang makakaintindi nito
+
oo
+
alam ko
+
kaya nga ganito di ba?
+
pff
+
sige pa,
+
dyan ka naman magaling di ba?
+
mangwala

=

super emo, malabong waterdiet. tsk tsk.

diba? dyan ka magaling? mang alienate ng tao?

Mr. Tambourine Man - Bob Dylan

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

something

Though I know that evenin's empire has returned into sand,
Vanished from my hand,
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping.
My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet,
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming.

changed

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.
just tell
Take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin' ship,
My senses have been stripped, my hands can't feel to grip,
My toes too numb to step, wait only for my boot heels
To be wanderin'.
I'm ready to go anywhere, I'm ready for to fade
Into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way,
I promise to go under it.

me

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

and

Though you might hear laughin', spinnin', swingin' madly across the sun,
It's not aimed at anyone, it's just escapin' on the run
And but for the sky there are no fences facin'.
And if you hear vague traces of skippin' reels of rhyme
To your tambourine in time, it's just a ragged clown behind,
I wouldn't pay it any mind, it's just a shadow you're
Seein' that he's chasing.

I’ll

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me, leave
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Alone.

----

lyrics and music by Bob Dylan.