simple lang.

alam kong hindi ako ang unang nagisip ng ganito. sigurado ako simula simula pa, maraming tao na ang napatigil, napangalumbaba, napabuntong hininga, at napaisip:


"pwede bang simple na lang ang buhay?"




hindi ako nag-da-drama.




okay, siguro medyo nag-da-drama nga ako.
naisip ko lang, bakit sobrang...pano ba...kumplikado ng buhay? na hindi rin naman. tignan mo. pagkasilang mo sa mundo, halos lahat ng kailangan mong gawin at makamit sa buhay, nakalatag na. pagdating mo sa isang certain na edad (depende sa magulang mo kung balak nilang gawin kang "achiever"), papapasukin ka na sa paaralan. at simula nyan, alam mo na tatahakin mo. sunod sunod na yan.


kinder, check. prep, check. grade 1, check...grade 6, check. nakadepende sa school mo kung anong susunod, kung grade 7 o kung high school na. tapos anong kasunod? college exams. tapos college. tapos trabaho. tapos pamilya. tapos tatanda ka. tapos mamatay.


simple lang di ba? madali sundan. pero mahirap pa rin e. andaming nakasiksik at nakasingit na kung ano anong pampagulo sa buhay sa pagitan ng mga yan. aling course? saan ako magtatrabaho? sino papakasalan ko? saan ako magpapagamot? anong ipapangalan ko sa anak ko? dapat ko ba i-invest pera ko dito? bakit andaming nagugutom? saan ako magpapalibing?


andaming pangyayaring nakapalibot sa buhay natin na kung tutuusin, parang hindi mo naman talaga kailangan, na hindi naman mahalaga. pero kung umasta at pumapel sila sa mga buhay natin akala mo mamamatay tayo pag wala sila.


anlabo, parang nag-ra-ramble na lang ako.


minsan lang talaga mapapaisip ka na, ganito ba talaga ang dapat kong gawin sa buhay? napadpad ba ako sa daigdig para pumila sa pagkahaba-habang pila araw araw; para makipagsiksikan at matapak-tapakan sa loob ng mainit na tren; para umupo sa harap ng screen ng computer buong magdamag; para utos-utosan; para mag-edit ng kung ano na namang commercial na puno ng mukha ng magaganda at gwapong artistang nagbebenta ng kung anong produktong hindi ko naman talaga kailangan - mga artistang mapangakit ngumiti, pero kita mo sa mga mata nila na sila mismo, hindi naniniwala sa binebenta nila.


isipin mo na lang. para saan? anong ginagawa mo? marketing executive? corporate media planner? call center agent? training specialist sa isang kumpanya? copy writer? intern sa advertising firm?


isipin mo, para saan yan? anong point? hindi ako nagpapaka-banal, hindi ako holier-than-thou, nagtatanong lang ako kasi lately tinatanong ko sa sarili ko to. anong point? anong puno't dulo ng ginagawa ko? anong point ng paggawa natin? para kumita? tapos makakaipon ka. pag namatay ka na ano na ngayon? anong magagawa ng pera mo? hindi mo naman masusuhulan si kamatayan na next week ka na lang sunduin gamit ang lahat ng pera mo di ba? so para saan?


sinasabi ko bang wag na lang trabaho? baka iniisip niyo na may angst lang ako sa trabaho kaya ako nakapagsabi ng ganito. aaminin ko, medyo, oo, pero hindi naman talaga yun ang point ko dito. napaisip lang ako. sinasabi sa akin parati ng mga magulang ko na ang mahalaga sa paghahanap ng trabaho ay yung masaya ka sa ginagawa mo. na pag ginawa mo, hindi mo iisiping nagtatrabaho ka kasi na-e-enjoy mo. tama sila dun. pero may natutunan ako


(nakakatawa, wala pa akong isang taong nagtatrabaho pero natutunan ko na)


hindi sapat na masaya ka. hindi lang yun. mahalaga rin na may saysay ang ginagawa mo. yun yung hinahanap ko sa trabaho ko ngayon. nakikita ko sa mga magulang ko yun e. pagud-paguran ang trabaho nila. hindi biro pumunta sa mga liblib na lugar para magturo ng mga tao tungkol sa pagpapalaki ng mga anak. pero paguwi nila kita mo sa mga mata nila na masaya sila dahil alam nilang mayroong masaya sa nagawa nila. na alam nilang kahit papaano, nakatulong sila na mabago at mapagbuti ang buhay ng iba. tignan mo yung mga teacher sa public school, yung mga talagang nagtuturo dahil gusto magturo. talu-talo na sa kikitain, ang mahalaga maturuan nila yung mga bata, mapaghanda sila sa buhay nila. kahit yung ibang mga mayayaman, tignan mo sila, hindi sila nagpapakasasa sa pera nila, bukas ang mga palad nila para tumulong.


simple lang ang puno't dulo ng buhay nila, ang makatulong sa iba.






hindi ko maintindihan kasi. tignan mo, lalo na sa syudad. andaming mayaman, andaming magagarbo ang damit, andaming pera, pero hindi masaya ang mga tao. parating stressed, nagmamadali, hindi mapakali. kaya rin ako nagtatanong. bakit hindi sila masaya? bakit pinapahirap nila mga buhay nila? parating kelangan may hinahabol, minamadali. hindi ba pwedeng tumigil ka lang saglit, huminga ng malalim, magmasid sa paligid mo. oo wala na masyadong puno sa maynila, pero maganda pa rin tignan e. sikat ang manila sa sunset niya, pero pustahan tayo hindi mo na nakikita, bakit? nakakulong ka sa opisina mo nagmamadali magtapos ng report.


bakit?


bakit parati tayong nagmamadali? parati tayong may deadline na hinahabol, quota na kelangan maabot. at matapos ang araw hindi tayo nagpapahinga, bumabagsak lang tayo sa pagod.








at pagtanda mo, pagkamatay mo, at haharap ka sa Diyos, at tinanong Niya sayo, "Anong ginawa mo sa buhay mo?" anong isasagot mo?


Nagtapos po ako ng report. Nagedit po ako ng pelikula. Naghabol po ako ng deadline.

hatful of hollow

i constantly live my life for others.
i do not say this because i want to sound altruistic, or good natured, or holy.
i am simply saying that my life is constantly lived for others.

my time and resources are constantly spent for the pleasure and satisfaction of people around me (i.e. my friends, my family, complete strangers).

my own enjoyment and my own pleasures and joys are constantly waived in favor of those of others.
despite how i yearn for the freedom and solitude i know that i cannot have it.

this is not to say that i am not thankful for these people who God, in His infinite wisdom, has so lovingly bestowed upon me.
i am thankful for them.
it would be a lie to say that i am not grateful for them.

it is however also true to say that there are some points in my life that i wish to be alone.
to have that opportunity to be my own man, that is to say, to be afforded the opportunity to have time for myself and time to do things that i enjoy, that i want, and not have to explain myself or to defend myself.

am i asking for an excuse to do things that are not right? that are sinful or immoral in nature? not at all.
i have no intention of conducting such affairs.
i am a man of simple tastes and have simple desires.
i simply ask the time and the opportunity to enjoy them.
i clarify that these are not base and earthly pleasures.

am i asking for these responsibilities and accountabilities towards these people to be repealed? again i say no.
i know and recognize that God, in His holy, loving and unfathomable wisdom, prepared this path for me and i accept it, without grudges.

again i simply state that what i ask for is simply an opportunity to take a breath, to be my own man even for a small fraction of time.

simply that.

Parang Pelikula Lang.

Kadalasang sinasabi na sa buhay ng kabataan, ang panahon na nasa kolehiyo siya ang isa sa pinakamahala at maimpluwensiyang parte ng kanyang buhay. Dito maku-kwestyon lahat ng kanyang pinapaniwalaan. Kung anu-ano mga pilosopiya at paniniwala ang sinusubukan pumasok sa kanyang pagiisip. Samu’t saring mga bagay na nakikipagunahan para sa kanyang atensyon. Sa panahon na ito, nakikipagunahan ang mundo sa Diyos para mahubog ang isip, ang puso, ang buong pagkatao ng isang kabataan.

Ngayong semestere, mayroon akong isang klase ngayon na tungkol sa cinematography. Pinagaaralan naming kung paano ayusing ang nakikita at posisyon ng kamera, ang posisyon, lakas, kulay at timpla ng ilaw, ang bawat kilos, galaw, ultimo suot ng mga artista, halos lahat ng elemento na makikita at hindi makikita sa frame para maipakita, maparamdam at maipahiwatig sa pinakamagandang paraan ang emosyon at ibig sabihin sa eksena. Isa sa mga pinakamahalaga kong natutunan sa klase kong ito ay kahit gaano mo artehan ang pagkuha mo ng shot, madalas mas maipaparamdam mo ang gusto mong ipahiwatig sa simpleng bagay, minsan, sa kung bagay na hindi nakikita.

Sinabi sa akin ni Ate Ging nang ialok niya sa akin na isulat ito, i-kuwento ko lang kung ano para sa akin ang ibig sabihin ng “God with us.” Sa ilang taon ko ng pagaaral sa kolehiyo, naramdaman ko ang kamay at ang gabay ng Panginoon sa aking buhay. Natutunan ko na sa bawat pagkakataon sa aking buhay kolehiyo, nandyan lang Siya, nakabantay, nakaalalay. Na kahit nararamdaman ko man ang Kanyang presensya o hindi, makakasiguro akong nandyan lang Siya. Dahil dito, alam kong ibalik sa Kanya ang pasasalamat sa bawat naipasang exam, quiz, paper, subject. Alam ko rin na sa Kanya lang ako makakapanghawak at hihingi ng tulong para sa lahat ng pagsubok. Siya ang naging Cinematographer ng aking buhay. Inaayos Niya ang bawat pagkakataon ng aking buhay para sa ipakita sa akin, pati rin sa iba, ang mensahe na nais niyang malaman ko. Hanggang sa pinakamaliit na aspeto ay parte pa rin ng Kanyang plano. Siya ang pumipili ng kulay, pumipili ng paggalaw ng bawat taong bahagi, pumipili ng dapat makita at ng mga hindi dapat makita, o kung kailang makikita ang hindi pa makita. Alam ko na may nag-a-ayos ng lahat ng aspeto ng buhay ko, alam ko na may parating nakabantay, at nakakaalam ng balak Niya para sa akin. Parang pelikula lang dahil alam ko na sa huli, magiging maayos din ang lahat, na lahat ng nangyayari ay mayroong ibig sabihin. Alam ko na ang bawat pagod, bawat puyat, bawat tawa, bawat galak, bawat singko, bawat uno, bawat tres ay parte ng plano ng Diyos at isinaayos ng Diyos para sa ikabubuti ko at ikaluluwalhati ng Kanyang Pangalan.

God with us. Isang pangako na sa likod ng bawat simangot at ngiti, sa likod ng bawat bagsak at bawat pasa, sa likod ng bawat terror na propesor at mga masasayang kaklase ay isang magaling at mabusising Cinematographer, isang mapagmahal at maarugang Diyos na alam at pinlano ang lahat ng nangyayari at mangyayari, isang Diyos na mapagkakatiwalaan mong may hawak ng lahat ng aspeto ng aking buhay.

things that respond to threats

as of late, my internet connection has been very unreliable. it disconnects at the oddest moments, it says it's connected when nothing is up-/down-loading (case in point, as i write this blog, blogger notifies me that it cannot connect to its system). youtube takes an eternity to load. stuff i'm downloading tell me to expect the download to finish in a day (it said the same thing 3 days ago).

funny thing is, whenever i hit refresh, videos, files and sites suddenly load. it's as if they respond only by threathening. i use google chrome as my default browser and whenever i find that it loads too long, i open firefox. interestingly (or as pure coincidence) chrome suddenly loads properly. yes i know it's completely coincidental and is absolutely childish, but somehow i find that threathening inanimate objects seem to make them work more efficiently.

or probably it's just the rain.

an itching on the roof of my mouth

i have this feeling like an itch on the roof of my mouth. that feeling that you know wont go away but you feel like you have to do something to make it go away.

i feel like i have something utterly important to do, that i've forgotten something that i need to do. i have this itching desire to write, to sketch, to shoot, to edit, to read, to do something productive. somehow i feel like i've been a bum for too long (despite being utterly exhausted from doing stuff).

this is probably my worldy self kicking in, in the sense that i have to constantly keep myself busy which'll lead to me being burnt out again.

must'nt do it.

till then.

and now the waiting game begins.

sent my request emails for my thesis waiting for replies. i'm still looking for the contact details of other docu-people. now i'm here waiting for their replies. hopefully they won't be the scary, nosebleedy people i envision them to be.


on the other hand, i'm still waiting for my pending paycheck. computer upgrades here i come. i can't wait to be able to back up EVERYTHING i have into a 1 terabyte external hard drive and to be able to doodle on a tablet.


still waiting for the succeeding issues of blackest night, batman and robin, green lantern, irredeemable and flash: rebirth. most of these comic books (i'm looking at you irredeemable and flash: rebirth) are taking too long to be published. it's like they've completely forgotten that the story lines are still dangling. i shall remain patient and wait on these story lines to finish.


waiting for superman/batman: public enemies. green lantern: first flight was such a blast! it was such an amazing ride therefore i only have high hopes for this new DC feature. (looks like DC is mopping the floor with Marvel's ass when it comes to cartoon features; can't say the same for the film scene).


still still waiting for pixar's up. when will they screen this?! waiting for updates on the status of the ever elusive of batman number 3 (is gary oldman's statement true?)






there. i've fanboyed for far too long.
hahaha.
see you on the other side.

ernie and bernie

respect.

as difficult as it is to see what's happening and to see you like this, as painful as it is, there is always the call to be obedient. God asks us, me, to be obedient. He demands it, but He doesn't rub it in our faces. He gave us free-will and I'd like to think - and i'm sure - that He respects it.

as hard as it is, i have to stand by the call. to obey.

i hate seeing you, me, us, like this.

but i hold on to the hope that He who began a good work will see it through.

i have hope and i believe that God didn't make me, us do this as a joke, for some sort of sick amusement, but for us to grow and to become the people that He's always wanted us to be, people after His own heart and people who will please Him in everything.

i'm really sorry. you know how much i hate seeing you in such a foul mood. and all the more i hate it when i'm the one that causes it. seriously i'm sorry.

i'm not giving up. if i let my emotions get the best of me and do what i want instead of what He wants me to do, that would be giving up. for both our sakes, and to please Him, i won't give up. i'll continue to draw strength from Him.

i'm sorry if i'm not turning out to be the best friend that i promised i would be. i'm sorry if i've said a handful of promises that, apparently, i can't fulfill now that, well, that that's happened. i'm sorry, really i am. i'm sorry if it seems like i'm not trying, know that i am. it hurts me whenever you say, or don't, that i don't try because nothing can be farther from the truth.

i try. you know that i do. i just respect your decisions that i don't want to question them. i respect you that i don't want to push myself at times that you don't want me to be there. i respect you that if you say you don't want to be my friend, i won't fight for it.

but i want you to know that despite you pushing me away, i won't do that to you. don't take this the wrong way. this isn't me puttting up a litany or sounding self-righteous. i just want to assure you that even if you don't want me to be, i'll still be here. think of it as the jla's reserve - people in the background, not really wanted at times but there whenever they're called for.

i'm always praying for you and i'm always here. not really sure if you'll be able to read this soon, eventually i know you'll stumble across this. not sure if that'll be on time, but then again, all in His time.

you know how to reach me if ever you decide you want to again.

til then.

things i have decided to do this february

(aka my very late new year's resolution)

• not cut my hair so long as my grandmother is undergoing chemo
• donate blood (since it's been 3 years)
• stop being an assh*le
• spend more time with neglected friends
• finish my hanging stories
• finish my hanging books
• practice editing more
• draw more
• spend more time with my brother (who will be there at my wedding unlike the computer who won't even help me with making masks)
• finish the script
• start shooting with the ants
• finish shooting with the ants
• spend more time taking pictures
• email family more often
• rest more often
• still spend more time with neglected friends
• breathe
• live

i hope to accomplish at least a quarter of that.
gulp.

Flatulence, Undulation, Profusely

Flatulence, a fancy word for fart; Undulation, the word curving, made longer; Profusely, also means greatly.
They just make things longer when short words would suffice. Hehehe...

Today, my back was stiff, i couldn't freakin' bend over, or stoop, or even look behind me, coz if i did, my back would sting like crazy! So that made my day bad, on top of that, the day was boring, not the boring that you do things then you stop and you get bored, i mean from start to finish, it was boring, so that made my day worse. My back still smarts...

I just remembered that i had to do something! That sucks, when you have to do something, you psyche yourself about how much you'd spend your time at home doing it (coz you really would want to) then you'd completely forget about it, and you'll only remember it when you only have a few more hours before the day's over.

By the way, I don't have my cellphone anymore, and my wallet to add to that, coz i got robbed, pfff...you know what they say, "When it rains, it pours" hfff...

I really wish the Retreat their planning gets approved, since its our last year in JASMS and all...

Au Revoir 2004

Hmm...New Year na!

Its that time of year when you remember all the good times you had, and of course those dumb, idiotic things you did the past year, the time of year where you get to reminisce and reflect on those days that are now just memories....(Whoa that was so dramatic!)

Every New Year, people get to face the reality that were just tiny specks in the great and ever continuous stream of time, and that no matter what we do, we're all ultimately going to face the same end...

Time is so darn fast! One day I'll just wake up in an apartment I can't remember with a job I don't know i have and i'll hardly recognize myself in the mirror when i look, and i'll miss the golden days, when i was in highschool, when i uhm..."studied" in JASMS, when i hardly had a care in the world, when i experienced what it was to love, all those things...

I'll miss JASMS when i graduate, and i'll miss all of you and all the memories you gave!
I love you all!

Thanks for the cookie!

Hmm...yesterday was the last day of school, well for the meantime that is, i mean, i wouldn't be this hyped about leaving school, in fact i don't really want to leave JASMS, or i would really need to, i hope i'd have my friends with me, coz that's what you really miss when you leave highschool, your friends, coz you know that when they're gone, you won't have as much fun as you used to, you won't have those carefree moments anymore...

Sigh...well, it was the Christmas party yesterday, and a lot of things happened, and i had the time of my life, i got to chill-chill at a friend's house (salot sobrang ganda ng bahay nila bernice! sarap matulog!) and i got to sit down, sometimes it's just fun to sitdown. I learned a lot yesterday, about women, about life, and about how some people have really interesting dreams.

I got to see my life yesterday, not the movie-about-to-die-life-flashback thing, i mean, i got to see what happens to me, i got to see the things i normally would just go about in first-person (which i know is weird considering the fact that i should know these things) I got to talk about it with joy in the afternoon and was about to follow her advice (let it pass, and try to get on along with my life, and try to find another person), really, i really felt like it was sound advice (it really was), and i thought that she was right, but that night, she came along and i saw her, and she smiled, and we got to talk, and (and i don't mean to sound all Hallmark or soap-operish and stuff) i remembered what made me like her in the first place, and...arrg! here we go again! There are times that i think, okay she's happy, i should just let it be, but then she comes along and smiles, and i fall for her again...haay....and i got to see that yesterday, i was alright with letting it be yesterday, but she came along and smiled, and poof! At least we got to talk, and i got to see her again, and she gave me a cookie, hey, i know it's just a cookie, but thanks!

So there, oh! before i forget! Kristin! the food was great! Ning! Nice new earrings! Joy! Thanks for the help! Bernice! Thanks for the party! Hannah Puyat! Nice dreams! Denise! Thanks for the Candycane! Josephine! Thanks for the gift! And to everyone else that i forgot to mention, thanks for being friends!

Thanks for the cookie!

Standing on the Shoulder of Giants

I've never really tried to write an entire blog in english, it's not that i can't, it's just that i prefer writing in my native language, coz there are words that you just cant translate into english, but then again, one of the ideas in making blogs is to share your thoughts to the world, so, i'll try it, who knows, this just might be interesting.

I'm not really writing anything that would really be of great interest, i'm just writing the about the things in my mind, and every here and there, i might sneak some of the events of my life. Oh! about the title, it's an album, see as i'm writing whatever comes into my fancy, i have playing in the background.

What is in my head right now? I'm not really sure, there are the thoughts about the party tomorrow, but there are the thoughts that just won't go away, you know (or you most probably don't) those things that keep popping up into your head even though you do your best at keeping them at bay, but then again it's you that want them come back, because you just can't help yourself to ponder on these things. Is it really the way i think it is? or am i just imagining it? am i really sure that it's what i think it is? i mean come on!

Hmm...this seems nice, i think i'd like to continue this (writing blogs in english that is)
I can't think of anything else to write today, i'll just continue it tomorrow, i'm sure i'll have lots to write about.
Au revoir

Of Military Courtesy, Momentum, and Burned Fingers...

Hmm...today was the final day of the exams, so todo buhos na ng makakaya, anlabo nun ah...pero ganon talaga eh...

Karamihan dun sa exams, kung ano pa yung ina-anticipate mong relief sa nagdudugo mong utak, yun pa ang mas nagpasakit, adds insult to injury ika nga, pero ayos lang, I gave it my bloody best.

Astig nag-CAT kami kanina, ang saya, nakakatuwa kasi napatunayan talaga namin na ang Bravo ang tunay na Alpha (that sounded odd) tapos nagpractice kami sa Alberto Band Rehearsals, di kasi pede sa Naked Mind, twas reserved for the entire bloody day! Yaman nung taong yun! So we practiced, tapos nung mga unang try, di kami makalagpas sa 1st stanza ng kanta, tapos tunog tae pa, tapos na lecturan pa kami nung may-ari nung studio, something about his place being unconventional and stuff...di daw sya katulad ng iba...ayos din eh! Pride!
So ayon, nag-practice kami, maraming tawanan, natakot si Denise sa multong wala naman na si Ning lang pala, tumalon talon kami sa tuwa, nagkalabuan ng tutugtugin kasi iba-ibang kanta yung tinutugtog ng iba't ibang instrument, pero in the end, napatunayan namin na kaya rin pala namin, kahit na maliit na chance lang, na makapag-provide ng maganda-gandang competition sa ibang banda, ehehe...

Sobrang saya ng araw na ito, naalala ko ulit kung bakit ayaw ko, at takot akong lumisan ng JASMS, o tumanda, kasi pagkalagpas ng Highschool, di na mauulit eto, kahit gaano mo pilitin, wala na, kaya e-enjoyin ko na ang buhay ko hanggang wala pa ako masyadong responsebilidad (wow dude, sobrang lalim nyan!)

Bingo!

Ayos! May blog na ako! This is my very first blog so back off for a moment and lay off the criticism for a while, i'm not that used to sharing my thoughts over the terribly reliable and trustworthy internet. I'm not really sure what language i should write in, pero palagay ko, mas ayos siguro kung tag-lish na lang, para i won't sound like a bloody prep.

Hmm...ano ba maisusulat ko, ah oo, yung bingo kaninang hapon, kaya nga pala bingo ang title ko 'no (Caleb blushes in humiliation) hmm...astig bingo kanina, me boring parts pero sobrang saya nung palaki na ng palaki yung mga prize, ayos! Isa lang binili ko pero nung bandang gitna, 5 na yung binabantayan ko, kinontrata ko kasi yung mga may-ari na tinatamad na maglaro (ako magbabantay, tapos kung manalo, me share ako!)
Lalo na nung me mga nananalo na 4th year, talon kaming lahat eh, talaga ngang matindi ang unity ng batch namin, kasi kahit hindi kami ang panalo, masaya kami! Basta, you just can't capture the true essence of such happiness in words, it's too bloody difficult! Basta parang nanalo kaming lahat ng tig-iisang milyon sa Lotto! Pero pinaka masaya kami nung nakuha ng isang 4th year yung Grand Prize! Yeah! para kaming yung Red Sox nung nanalo ng World Series! Talon kami ng talon, slamman dito, slamman doon, basta, sobrang saya!

Trivia: (trip lang 'to, nakita ko lang kasi eh!) the word Blog is one of the most searched words in Merriam Webster online for the year 2004, hehe wala lang!

Sinusubukan ko i-preview yung blog ko, pero ayaw, hmm...bakit kaya? pangit ko daw kasi eh!

Hmm...not so bad for my first post eh? i think not, but then again, that's just me...

dont worry about the world ending today, 'coz it's already tomorrow in australia
-Charles Schultz