simple lang.

alam kong hindi ako ang unang nagisip ng ganito. sigurado ako simula simula pa, maraming tao na ang napatigil, napangalumbaba, napabuntong hininga, at napaisip:


"pwede bang simple na lang ang buhay?"




hindi ako nag-da-drama.




okay, siguro medyo nag-da-drama nga ako.
naisip ko lang, bakit sobrang...pano ba...kumplikado ng buhay? na hindi rin naman. tignan mo. pagkasilang mo sa mundo, halos lahat ng kailangan mong gawin at makamit sa buhay, nakalatag na. pagdating mo sa isang certain na edad (depende sa magulang mo kung balak nilang gawin kang "achiever"), papapasukin ka na sa paaralan. at simula nyan, alam mo na tatahakin mo. sunod sunod na yan.


kinder, check. prep, check. grade 1, check...grade 6, check. nakadepende sa school mo kung anong susunod, kung grade 7 o kung high school na. tapos anong kasunod? college exams. tapos college. tapos trabaho. tapos pamilya. tapos tatanda ka. tapos mamatay.


simple lang di ba? madali sundan. pero mahirap pa rin e. andaming nakasiksik at nakasingit na kung ano anong pampagulo sa buhay sa pagitan ng mga yan. aling course? saan ako magtatrabaho? sino papakasalan ko? saan ako magpapagamot? anong ipapangalan ko sa anak ko? dapat ko ba i-invest pera ko dito? bakit andaming nagugutom? saan ako magpapalibing?


andaming pangyayaring nakapalibot sa buhay natin na kung tutuusin, parang hindi mo naman talaga kailangan, na hindi naman mahalaga. pero kung umasta at pumapel sila sa mga buhay natin akala mo mamamatay tayo pag wala sila.


anlabo, parang nag-ra-ramble na lang ako.


minsan lang talaga mapapaisip ka na, ganito ba talaga ang dapat kong gawin sa buhay? napadpad ba ako sa daigdig para pumila sa pagkahaba-habang pila araw araw; para makipagsiksikan at matapak-tapakan sa loob ng mainit na tren; para umupo sa harap ng screen ng computer buong magdamag; para utos-utosan; para mag-edit ng kung ano na namang commercial na puno ng mukha ng magaganda at gwapong artistang nagbebenta ng kung anong produktong hindi ko naman talaga kailangan - mga artistang mapangakit ngumiti, pero kita mo sa mga mata nila na sila mismo, hindi naniniwala sa binebenta nila.


isipin mo na lang. para saan? anong ginagawa mo? marketing executive? corporate media planner? call center agent? training specialist sa isang kumpanya? copy writer? intern sa advertising firm?


isipin mo, para saan yan? anong point? hindi ako nagpapaka-banal, hindi ako holier-than-thou, nagtatanong lang ako kasi lately tinatanong ko sa sarili ko to. anong point? anong puno't dulo ng ginagawa ko? anong point ng paggawa natin? para kumita? tapos makakaipon ka. pag namatay ka na ano na ngayon? anong magagawa ng pera mo? hindi mo naman masusuhulan si kamatayan na next week ka na lang sunduin gamit ang lahat ng pera mo di ba? so para saan?


sinasabi ko bang wag na lang trabaho? baka iniisip niyo na may angst lang ako sa trabaho kaya ako nakapagsabi ng ganito. aaminin ko, medyo, oo, pero hindi naman talaga yun ang point ko dito. napaisip lang ako. sinasabi sa akin parati ng mga magulang ko na ang mahalaga sa paghahanap ng trabaho ay yung masaya ka sa ginagawa mo. na pag ginawa mo, hindi mo iisiping nagtatrabaho ka kasi na-e-enjoy mo. tama sila dun. pero may natutunan ako


(nakakatawa, wala pa akong isang taong nagtatrabaho pero natutunan ko na)


hindi sapat na masaya ka. hindi lang yun. mahalaga rin na may saysay ang ginagawa mo. yun yung hinahanap ko sa trabaho ko ngayon. nakikita ko sa mga magulang ko yun e. pagud-paguran ang trabaho nila. hindi biro pumunta sa mga liblib na lugar para magturo ng mga tao tungkol sa pagpapalaki ng mga anak. pero paguwi nila kita mo sa mga mata nila na masaya sila dahil alam nilang mayroong masaya sa nagawa nila. na alam nilang kahit papaano, nakatulong sila na mabago at mapagbuti ang buhay ng iba. tignan mo yung mga teacher sa public school, yung mga talagang nagtuturo dahil gusto magturo. talu-talo na sa kikitain, ang mahalaga maturuan nila yung mga bata, mapaghanda sila sa buhay nila. kahit yung ibang mga mayayaman, tignan mo sila, hindi sila nagpapakasasa sa pera nila, bukas ang mga palad nila para tumulong.


simple lang ang puno't dulo ng buhay nila, ang makatulong sa iba.






hindi ko maintindihan kasi. tignan mo, lalo na sa syudad. andaming mayaman, andaming magagarbo ang damit, andaming pera, pero hindi masaya ang mga tao. parating stressed, nagmamadali, hindi mapakali. kaya rin ako nagtatanong. bakit hindi sila masaya? bakit pinapahirap nila mga buhay nila? parating kelangan may hinahabol, minamadali. hindi ba pwedeng tumigil ka lang saglit, huminga ng malalim, magmasid sa paligid mo. oo wala na masyadong puno sa maynila, pero maganda pa rin tignan e. sikat ang manila sa sunset niya, pero pustahan tayo hindi mo na nakikita, bakit? nakakulong ka sa opisina mo nagmamadali magtapos ng report.


bakit?


bakit parati tayong nagmamadali? parati tayong may deadline na hinahabol, quota na kelangan maabot. at matapos ang araw hindi tayo nagpapahinga, bumabagsak lang tayo sa pagod.








at pagtanda mo, pagkamatay mo, at haharap ka sa Diyos, at tinanong Niya sayo, "Anong ginawa mo sa buhay mo?" anong isasagot mo?


Nagtapos po ako ng report. Nagedit po ako ng pelikula. Naghabol po ako ng deadline.

episode nth

hi blog.
arrogant, dipshit,, mellowdramatic turd.
how have you been?
asshole.

things i have decided to do this february

(aka my very late new year's resolution)

• not cut my hair so long as my grandmother is undergoing chemo
• donate blood (since it's been 3 years)
• stop being an assh*le
• spend more time with neglected friends
• finish my hanging stories
• finish my hanging books
• practice editing more
• draw more
• spend more time with my brother (who will be there at my wedding unlike the computer who won't even help me with making masks)
• finish the script
• start shooting with the ants
• finish shooting with the ants
• spend more time taking pictures
• email family more often
• rest more often
• still spend more time with neglected friends
• breathe
• live

i hope to accomplish at least a quarter of that.
gulp.

while i am in a joker state

you've changed things, forever.

see to them you're just a freak, like me.

let's put a smile on that face.

ahahahahahahahahahahaha

now i know why i'm so enamored by clowns and masked beings.
everything is alright.

episode nth - grace is gone

somehow the dave matthews band always has a song to sum everything up.
even if the lyrics are off in some way, the melody of the song has everything summed up.

so, a big round of applause for the dave matthews band.

(the curtain raises, some guy thinks it's good to have smoke machines fill up the stage,
neon purple and green lights blink in the sidelines,
dave matthews plucks a few strings of his guitar,
the audience is silent, save for the occasional enthusiastic fan blurting out nonsensical screams)



Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight,
Its 2 am, Im drunk again,
Its heavy on my mind, its heavy on my mind.

I could never love again,
So much as I love you.
Where you end, where I begin,
Is like a river going through.

Take my heart, take my eyes,
Cause Ill need them no more.
If never again theyll fall upon,
The one I so adore.

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I dont need to think.
She broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and Ill move on.

One drink to remember,
And another to forget.
How could I ever dream to find a love like this again?
One drink to remember, another to forget...

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Would you make it strong,
Cause I dont need to think.
She broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and Ill move on.
One more drink and Ill move on.

You think of things impossible,
Then the sun refuse to shine.
I woke with you beside me,
Your cold hand lay in mine.

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I dont need to think.
She broke my heart,
My grace is gone.
Another drink and Ill go...

Excuse me please, one more drink.
Could you make it strong,
Cause I dont need to think.
She broke my heart, my grace is gone.
Another drink and Ill move on,
One more drink and Ill move on.
One more drink my grace is gone.



(the curtain goes down, the people applaud and scream in approval, i stand still.
everyone leaves the auditorium, paper, plastic cups, posters, streamers are left strewn on the floor, as i stand still.
a man sweeps behind me but he fails to notice the lone person standing amidst the trash.
the sweeper finishes,
the crew packs the equipment,
the band walks towards the exit,
the chairs are removed.
everything is packed up, everything is back to the way they were,
the lights are closed.
i'm still standing where i stood the entire time,
the melody of the song still in my head,
"one more drink, can you make it strong cause i don't need to think"
i'm still standing.
still waiting)












-----

ang corny. pwe.

pwe.

wala na akong maintindihan.
+
ayoko na ng sem na 'to
+
anlabo na ng lahat ng nangyayari
+
nasa gitna ako ng isang malaki at malabong laro
+
inaantok na ako
+
alam kong pinagtatawanan na ako (tsk. tsk)
+
isa na naman?
+
ampangit talaga ng abilidad kong yun.
+
yan ang napapala ng makulit na bata
+
di ba kasi sinabihan ka na na ganyan ang mangyayari?
+
yan tuloy tignan mo ngayon
+
wala nang makakaintindi nito
+
oo
+
alam ko
+
kaya nga ganito di ba?
+
pff
+
sige pa,
+
dyan ka naman magaling di ba?
+
mangwala

=

super emo, malabong waterdiet. tsk tsk.

diba? dyan ka magaling? mang alienate ng tao?

Mr. Tambourine Man - Bob Dylan

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

something

Though I know that evenin's empire has returned into sand,
Vanished from my hand,
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping.
My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet,
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming.

changed

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.
just tell
Take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin' ship,
My senses have been stripped, my hands can't feel to grip,
My toes too numb to step, wait only for my boot heels
To be wanderin'.
I'm ready to go anywhere, I'm ready for to fade
Into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way,
I promise to go under it.

me

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

and

Though you might hear laughin', spinnin', swingin' madly across the sun,
It's not aimed at anyone, it's just escapin' on the run
And but for the sky there are no fences facin'.
And if you hear vague traces of skippin' reels of rhyme
To your tambourine in time, it's just a ragged clown behind,
I wouldn't pay it any mind, it's just a shadow you're
Seein' that he's chasing.

I’ll

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me, leave
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Alone.

----

lyrics and music by Bob Dylan.

ooookay....

what the bloody hell is wrong with me?

something obviously is.
shit.

im fine.

i'm fine. trust me.